Sanji's Troubles
by Wasabikitty10
Summary: Luffy takes it upon himself to cure Sanji's addiction to ciggies. Poor Sanji. K plus for the ciggies, I guess? Ah, in later chaps there's some language. Probably there won't be pairings. R and R or your eyebrows will get curlier than Sanji's.
1. In which troubles begin

Sanji's Troubles.

Chapter one.

Sanji leaned on the railing, glancing out at the blue sky. In a rather good mood in fact, unlike usual. He breathed in a large amout of smoke and coughed, enjoying the flavor and nicotine, but still hating the sensation.

"SANJI! SANJI!" The captain ran up to him and wrapped his arms around Sanji's waist, eyes wide.

Unimpressed, Sanji asked, "What do you want, crap-kid?"

"SANJI! Smoking is bad for your health! You'll get sick!"

"I know. Now go away." Sanji tried unsuccsessfuly to remove Luffy from himself.

"No! I won't! You need to quit!"

"...! Quit?!"

"Yeah. I learned today that smoking hurts your lungs. You gotta quit!"

"No! My body is my buisness. Now leave me alone!"

"Please! Sanji, you got ashes in my food yesterday."

"Did not!"

Luffy looked up at him, tears filling his eyes. "But SanjI!"

"No. I do not have a problem. I could quit if I wanted."

"You couldn't!"

"Shut up." To tell the truth, Sanji was aware he had a problem. He had already tried to quit twice, and given up. Why bother?

"No! You hafta quit! Besides, I threw all your tobacco overboard."

"I will never listen to you, stu- WHAT?!"

"'Cause it's bad for you, y'know?"

Sanji banged his head against the rail.

"You. Did. Not!" Did that mean the ciggie in his mouth was the last on board?!

"Oh god, Luffy! You...!"

Luffy smiled hugely. "I knew you'd understand!" He let go of Sanji and waltzed away, yelling, "I cured Sanji! I cured Sanji!"

Sanji stood at the deck, smoking until his last ciggerate burned out. He threw it in the water, and cursed. "I'll get you for this, Luffy."

END.

AN: So, how is it? I will continue, I hope. Those who review get a free plushie of a character of your choice.


	2. Which is not about sleep

AN: I don't care if you hate me spelling it Zolo. I hate the dub, always will. I just read the manga, and I am not concerned when in some volumes he's called Zoro, and others Zolo. Two pronunciations, same name. I just like the letter L. Deal.

Sanji's Troubles

Chapter Two.

Sanji lay in bed, not at all lulled by the rocking of the boat. They were anchored offshore, about a mile from land. And Sanji was in a terrible mood.

Normally, had he been feeling insomniac, he would have gotten up and tried to cook while blearily smoking three or four cigarettes at the same time. That usually was quite relaxing. But nooo, Luffy just had to throw all his cook's yummy ciggies overboard earlier that day.

"I hate you, Luffy." Sanji whispered to himself. Grr. Suddenly, he sat up, gasping. "Eureka! I've got it!"

It wouldn't take long to row the dinghy to port, would it? And they would be sure to have tobacco there. He rubbed his hands together in glee. Finally, he could show that captain.

He made his way across the deck, glancing at the clock that read midnight. Ha. Luffy usually conked out at nine. Sanji felt along the ropes to the dinghy, and laughed creepily. He bumped into a wall, and cussed vividly.

"Beyond this point you shall not pass!" A sword landed in front of him and quivered in the deck. Zolo, Luffy, Nami, and Usopp stepped out into the light of his small lantern, with Zolo laughing at Sanji's face.

"Sanji! Smoking is bad! You can't go into town!"

"Sanji! Captain says if I keep you from going to port, I get thirty beli!"

"Sanji! I love making your eyes bug out. Walk back there so I can throw the sword again, please?"

"Sanji! If you smoke, a radioactive signal will form and attract birds of prey who will pick you up and drop you in the sea where a mermaid will find you and torture you until you explode and your body parts will spread across the sea and fish will eat them and be poisoned so they carry diseases to the human chefs who cook them and the customers, and then the Baratie will be closed down, and Chef Zeff will be depressed, and it will be all your fault!"

Sanji stood there, bombarded by words, and thinking, This is not happening.

"Go back to bed, Sanji." Luffy said, sounding gentle for once.

Sanji wandered back to bed, dizzy and very distressed. How can I get to town? He lay in bed quivering, inventing ways to kill Luffy, for an hour or so. Then he got up and tiptoed to the dinghy.

"Beyond this point- YAWN- you shall not pass."

"Sanji! GO TO SLEEP!" Yelled Luffy, who was swaying from side to side from lack of rest.

"YAWN- You had better pay up tomorrow, Luffy."

"Later today."

"Usopp, you freaking perfectionishht." Nami slurred the last words dizzily.

Sanji could do nothing but wander off to bed.

About an hour of tossing and turning, he got up.

"Beyond... thish... point... YAWN... you shall not pash."

"Go back to shleep."

"Ish it worth the beli?"

"Beli, beli, fill the belly!"

"Shut up Ushopp."

Sanji wobbled dizzily back to the bed.

For about an hour.

"Beyond... shall not... pash."

"Go shleep."

"No town."

"Gimme beli."

Sanji tried to argue, but to no avail. He wandered towards his bed, moaning.

And, yet another hour went by.

"No pash pointy."

"Shleep."

"Beli."

"No... YAWN... town."

He finally cracked, and, not being at his best, decided to try to get into the dinghy anyway. He jumped at it, missed, and fell in the water. Suddenly, Sanji felt wide awake.

"Ack! Help!"

An hour later, he decided it might be more prudent to stay in bed.

END.

AN: So, how is it?! WOOT WOOT! Sorry it's so daggum long, but I was in a writing mood. LOL, I'm covered in blisters. Review and get a free trip to the ice cream shop with any one of the Straw Hat crew!


	3. Which involes makeup and tea

AN: This story will only be featuring Luffy, Sanji, ULTRA SPECIAL AND AWESOME Zolo, and Usopp in the crew. Other characters may show up, though.

Sanji's Troubles

Chapter Three.

At morning, as the first rays of light spread across the ocean, Sanji finally fell into a fitful sleep, dreaming that he chased a giant cigarette but could never quite catch up. Then his "friends" gathered around and chanted at him, "Never get them back. You'll never get them back. Never smoke a pack. You'll never get them back."

He woke up in a cold sweat, breathing hard. Oh god. He had to get to town.

"Sanji! I feel sick!"

"Good... fer... you."

"Make breakfast!"

"Whazzat?!"

"It's almost noon!"

"Den I'd be making lunch, hmmm..."

"Make foods." Luffy compromised.

"Fine. Just shut up and go away."

Sanji staggered over to the kitchen, needing sleep badly. He picked up some random foods and stirred them in a large mixing bowl, and threw it at Luffy. "There. Foods."

Leaving Luffy exclaiming in joy about how good raw eggs, whipped cream, tuna, chicken, and celery tasted when mixed with orange juice, Sanji wandered to the bathroom and looked at the mirror much distressed.

I cannot be seen in town with bags the size of cannonballs under my eyes! So. Hmmm. I'm a guy, I have no makeup kit. But Nami does... A very very very naughty plan formed. "Yes!" He dashed over to Nami's bed, and pulled out a makeup kit. A very large, nice, clean makeup kit carefully labeled, "Touch it and die." Sanji didn't even try to read the label. He was too busy trying to find the foundation.

He glanced in the mirror as he applied liberal amounts of concealer and smiled. Sanji looked quite normal. Not traumatized, not sleep deprived, not lacking cigarettes. He left the room cheerful, and looked for the dinghy.

NAMI POV

I went up to my room after a very disturbing breakfast of poisonous mash to put on some makeup. I looked pretty nasty after a night of no sleep, but not as bad as Sanji had. Poor Sanji. I almost pitied him. Almost.

Sanji wandered past me at that moment, which suprised me. "Speak of the devil..." I muttered in annoyance. Actually, he looked perfectly fine. Weird. This morning he had been totally zombie like, and now...

It was as though someone had applied a whole lot of concealer.

I dashed to my room, already certain it was too late. My kit lay open on the bed, spilling everywhere. Sanji was dead. I could always claim that he had tried to cook me.

SANJI POV

He couldn't find the dinghy. It wasn't where it usually was, it wasn't in the kitchen, it wasn't in the closet. Which left the storeroom? Who would put a dinghy in the storeroom?

Sanji decided to try everywhere else first.

Until, finally, annoyed to the point of screaming, Sanji decided to go destroy the storeroom. Where he found Luffy, Zolo, and Usopp sitting in the dinghy. Luffy was the only one who seemed at all awake.

"And then, Miss Sally says to Miss Anna, How are you?"

Zolo dizzily made a small ragdoll dip its head in greeting to Luffy's doll. Usopp was snoring.

"Miss Sally says to Miss Lolly, how dare you fall asleep?! Gum gum pistol!" Luffy's doll punched Usopp's doll.

"We never should have let him find out about tea parties..." Usopp moaned.

Sanji stared in shock for about ten minutes of frilly greetings dissolving into a bloody fray, before turning around and going upstairs.

"I'm doomed. Doomed. Doomed."

END

AN: Review and get a free party with a character guest of your choice. (licks Zolo plushie) WOOT WOOT!


	4. In which Sanji bangs his head

Sanji's Troubles

Chapter FOUR!!

Sanji sat on his bed, biting his nails. On his left hand, he had only the pointer finger nail left to nibble. On his right, just the thumbnail. He banged his head on the wall and yelled something unintelligible that probably meant "Luffy Should Be TORTURED To Death."

Probably.

He felt a little bad about stealing Nami's makeup, but how could he cook while looking like a zombie? He might cause the misconception that chefs aren't sexy. That would suck, because, well, who would date an un-sexy chef? Sanji banged his head on the wall again. Who cares if chefs are sexy? So long as they get to smoke.

NAMI POV

I went into the storeroom, and burst into laughter at the sight of Luffy playing tea party with the semi-concious Zolo and Usopp. I pitied them.

"You seen Sanji? I have to kill him."

"Why?" Luffy asked, looking confused. "And then Miss Sally ripped Miss Lolly's leg off because Miss Lolly was being impudent! Miss Sally is the winner!"

Usopp moaned.

"He used up half of my makeup kit!"

"Nami, you know makeup ishn't that import...tant..." Zolo said dizzily.

"It is when you enjoy putting it on! I'm a girl! I deserve a guilty pleasure or two!"

"That doeshn't shound like you at all."

"Well, I do like to look my best, and besides! It cost like a hundred beli!"

"Oh. That'sh why." Zolo wobbled and lay down. "Mish Anna felt ill and went to shleep." He muttered.

I growled. "Seriously! I really want to know!"

"He wash here a minnit ago..." offered Usopp.

"Don't kill him Nami! He's my nakama! You all are!" Luffy seriously looked like he was going to cry.

"It's... ok Luffy. I won't actually kill him. Just an expression. I'll take all his money instead."

"Oh. Ok! Miss Sally killed Miss Anna. She was now the king of the tea partiers!"

SANJI POV

He banged his head against the wall rythmically, trying to get a grip. In a week Luffy would probably have forgotten this whole stupid idea. In a week, Sanji would be sitting in this very bed, smoking, and feeling happy. Not banging his head against the wall even once.

Right.

Sanji banged his head louder than ever before and welcomed the brief moment of feeling awake, before his ears started ringing again. He banged his head.

NAMI POV

I opened the door to Sanji's room, holding a small dagger tightly, ready to threaten murder if he didn't pay up, and was suprised to find him banging his head against the wall, with a huge bruise on his forehead, and a seriously demented expression.

"Oh my God, Sanji! You need to stop that!"

SANJI POV

He lifted his head dizzily. "You... do... care." He said.

NAMI POV

"Yeah, about the walls! Look what you did! It's a huge dent! That'll cost a TON to repair!"

SANJI POV

"...Oh."

NAMI POV

Sanji looked really pathetic, but I decided that was his own fault. I kicked his foot and picked up his wallet, grinning at the amount it held. "This covers it! Thank you, San!"

He wobbled and fell over onto the floor. "Um. Sanji?"

He moaned at me. It probably meant, money-grabbing bizznatch. I didn't care.

"Get up! Freak!"

Moan, groan, moan. God. I poked him with my foot. No way was he gonna get up, so, much annoyed, I dragged him over to the bed and shoved him on it. "Sleep, Sanji. And never speak to me again, or you die!"

Sanji snored.

I left, feeling deeply annoyed with the world.

Sanji still needed to die.

But I'd let him live just a little while longer.

END.

AN: Sorry about the POV switches. Hope you like! Those who review get a cookie.

What, a cheap store bought cookie not enough? Fine. You get patent pending adhesive Sanji eyebrows.

Speaking of which, I drew Sanji eyebrows on my little brother today. He looks very Sanji-ish. If Sanji were eight years old and chubby. Lol.


	5. In which there is therapy

Sanji's Troubles

Chapter Five.

Sanji lay in bed, staring at the ceiling. He drummed his fingers on the wall, restlessly, trying to hum but the notes kept sticking in his throat. He couldn't relax, ever since he woke up at around three in the afternoon, dizzy and disoriented as heck. Why? What did he do to deserve this? He had never gone more than three or four days without a cigarette, and only when he was a kid did he ever try to quit. Ever since he was ten, he had smoked. No one had ever complained, not even Zeff. So, why did Luffy care?

He decided to bang his head on the wall, but got too dizzy and had to lie down again. Crap. He felt very sick, from lack of sleep and lack of ciggies. Sanji had a blurry memory of being kicked and put into bed by somebody, but he wasn't sure who...

The door banged open, and Luffy strode in, whistling, and sat next to Sanji. Sanji closed his eyes and tried to curl up under the blanket. No such luck.

"Sanji! How do you feel today?!"

"Mfff."

"That's good! Well, I know how to make you feel even better!"

"Mff! MMMMMFFF!"

"No! I won't give you cigarettes. But I'll give you something really great!"

"Mff..."

"THERAPY!"

"MFF?!"

"With Shanks! We're gonna see Shanks! I'm so excited and in his letter he said he's gonna talk to you about your ch-child... oh yeah! Childhood! Well, bye now."

Sanji lay there, his headache getting worse by the second. Oh no. Oh no. He was doomed.

MUCH LATER:

He could hear Luffy yelling at Shanks outside. Sanji knew the story of Shanks, he had heard it like a billion times, about the hat, and the arm, and god-knows-how-flying-pigs-got-involved. Luffy never seemed to tell seperate stories, it was all one big lump. But he had managed to get the general idea.

Somewhere in the mash of dizzyness, pain, and lack of ciggies, Sanji did feel happy for Luffy. But not happy enough to voluntarily accept therapy. He moaned and banged his head on air, too exhausted to sit up and use the wall.

Luffy ran into the room, tears running down his face, laughing and singing. "Sanji! Sanji! It's Shanks!"

Sanji did not answer. If I ignore him, he'll go away.

Yeah. Sure.

A tall, red-headed man came into the room behind Luffy, having the good sense to look a bit frightened and disturbed by the hyperactive boy. Sanji tried to scowl but was much too tired to do anything but glare.

"Luffy, you sure do pick your crew well..."

"Thanks!"

"..."

Luffy said, smiling innocently, "I'll just leave you two alone for some private time."

Sanji blushed like a maniac and put his head under the covers. Shanks did likewise, minus the covers bit.

He's been listening to Nami for too long... Sanji thought. Hasn't she ever heard of censoring?

"Ahm... so I'm supposed to ask you about your childhood..." Shanks ventured cautiosly.

"Get th' hell outta my room."

"Oh, that attitude's not getting you anywhere!"

"Th' hell it is! Crap-face!"

Shanks slapped Sanji, who did not react beyond swearing for about ten minutes without repeating himself once. Shanks whistled in appreciation.

Sanji banged his head on air.

"You're going to give yourself a cold. I can see you're already looking pale! Neener neener, pale face!" Shanks, perhaps, had not been the best choice for therapist.

"Mfmx."

"No, really. Let me take your temperature..." Shanks found a cooking thermometer, eyed it, and decided not to use that one. He finally found a normal thermometer and stuck it in Sanji's mouth, despite a large amount of vividly worded protests. He held it there, for about a minute, patiently letting Sanji thrash around. Shanks slapped Sanji and removed the thermometer, confusedly trying to read the temperature.

"I'm gonna ask my crew for help, kay? Hang tight, lad. I'll be right back."

Sanji moaned.

A few moments later, Shank's crew returned to the room, which was now very crowded. Sanji hid under the blankets, which wasn't terribly mature, but really, what else to do in these circumstances?

Until he caught a whiff of the most beautiful smell ever smelled on this hard, cruel planet.

Sanji sat up in bed and yelled as loud as he could without killing himself: "WHICH ONE OF YOU HAS THE CIGARETTE?!"

The crew froze, and stopped trying to read his temperature.

"Ben... you'd better put that out." Ben nodded and stubbed out his cigarette, grinning. Sanji jumped out of the bed, tripped, and grabbed the butt. He sucked on it for a moment before being stepped on and forcibly losing it.

"Give it back! Please! I'll do anything!" Sanji tried to bite the foot that held him down, but was dropped back onto the bed instead.

"By the way, you might want to know you have a fever? A high one?"

Sanji thought he might be crying but wasn't sure. "Screw the fever. FREAKS!"

"Shanks, I think he's delirious. Hold him down while I double check this reading."

Sanji was forced to have his temperature taken yet again. Crap! What was it with all these thermometers?

"Nope. We read it right. Boy, you have a temperature of a hundred and four degrees, you know. Stay in bed!"

He tried to punch the guy with the thermometer. It didn't work. Sanji fell on the ground and lay there, pissed off as heck.

"He's not gonna sleep on his own!"

"I'll help him along." The last thing Sanji saw for a while was a hand coming towards his face.

END

AN: Another long chapter. Poor Sanji suffers a lot in this one. Shank's crew should really get more medical training. I mean, Ben is the only one who can even read a thermometer. XP

Those who review get to go on a three day vacation in the world of One Piece. :D


	6. In which Zolo is EEK kind!

AN: This chapter can be read as a stand alone one shot, if you are so disposed.

Sanji's Troubles

Chapter Six.

Sanji was confused. He kept on waking up and falling asleep, not knowing if he was awake or dreaming. Once he thought he was awake, but then he was sure it was a dream, because it was Zolo's rough, calloused hand feeling his forehead and giving him more of the vile cough syrup, and then- unbelievable! Zolo had actually said, "I hope he gets better soon..."

Phsyah right. Sanji was really losing it if he dreamed about Zolo not wanting to kill him.

Another time he woke, he thought that somebody was singing- or trying to sing- some kind of lullaby. He tried to tell them to get the hell out of his room, but fell asleep before he could. Crap! Any freak who wanted to sing a lullaby had better get away from him already, unless they had tobacco of course. Then he would get up and welcome them with open arms, no matter how much it hurt to move.

Finally, he woke up feeling somewhat normal, judging by the light it was morning. There was a strange noise rasping through the room. Sanji sat up, and the fact that he could do that without wanting to barf was very, very promising. He looked around and saw in his room, on the floor, Zolo and Usopp both asleep and snoring loudly. Lovely.

He feebly kicked Usopp, still having freaky dream residue about Zolo. Sanji wanted to avoid anything that made him feel like he was losing it. Zolo was definetely one of those things.

Even before he had had the confusing dream.

Usopp snored louder, and ignored being kicked. Sanji tried to evoke a reaction several times, and was getting seriously pissed off until Zolo yawned and asked, drowsily, "Luffy? Why did you eat my new girlfriend? You should've at least waited until I mopped the floor with a shark!"

"..." Sanji stared, rather frightened by the sort of dreams the swordsman had been having, while Zolo continued.

"I still haven't mopped the floor! It's all your fault! That dumb girl was going to give me a guinea pig for my birthday!"

Sanji banged his head on air, unfortunately still very disoriented, and fell out of the bed onto the floor. "OW!" Well, he could talk. That was good.

Zolo moaned and opened his eyes. "Whazza hell?"

Laying on the floor, trying to untangle the sheets from his legs, Sanji cussed loudly and explicitly, insulting Zolo, Zolo's mother, Luffy, Luffy's eyes, Zolo's eyes, dreams, trees, explosions, and sharks.

"Sanji, wait until noon. Then I'll respond properly." Zolo glared.

"I hate you!"

"I hate you too."

Sanji tried to hit Zolo and missed.

"That's the thanks I get?!"

"Thanks for what?!"

"Babysitting you!"

"..."

Zolo banged his head on the floor. Hmm, there's a good strategy to use when I can't reach the wall... thought Sanji.

"You were spazzing out and hallucinating, I think."

"Was not!"

"Were too!"

"Bisson!"

"Dalda!"

"...Dalda-bisson!" Sanji was running out of insults.

Zolo sighed and frowned. "I'm supposed to make sure you stay in bed and don't die."

"And a jolly-good job you've done!"

"...It's not my fault you jump out of bed."

"Yes it is!"

"...How is that...?" Zolo backed away a little bit.

"Because... because... EVERYTHING is your fault!"

"I wouldn't be too proud of that flawless logic if I were you."

Sanji tried the banging on the floor tactic. Ahh. Much better.

"But you're right. I've got to get you back under the cubbies, or Luffy will get mad." Zolo stood up and stretched, then bent down to pick up Sanji. Sanji, naturally, did not want to be picked up.

"Don't touch me! Don't!"

"I don't have cooties, you know!"

"Yeah you do!"

Zolo sighed and picked up Sanji by his shirt. The cook was in no shape to put up a fight, though he tried valiantly. Zolo put him over one shoulder and said, "You're in a bad mood. I'm taking you outside."

Sanji yelled more interesting profanities. Zolo ignored them and carried Sanji to the rail and dropped him. "Look at the pretty skyline or something."

He had to admit, the sky was beautiful. It was slightly less maddening to be outside, somehow. After sitting in silence for about thirty minutes, Sanji noticed he was falling asleep.

Crap!

How do you tell someone you hate to pick you up and carry you to bed?

Zolo glanced over at the cook. Sanji looked extremely vulnerable at the moment, even more so when he was half unconcious. Poor kid.

"Ready to go inside?"

Sanji thought of a thousand ways he could respond, some of them meaner than he would have thought possible, others incredibly snide. He sighed, and made a choice.

He nodded, descisevly, and tried to smile.

As he was carried back to his bed, Sanji didn't struggle. He was too busy snoring.

END.

AN: For all concerned, this is NOT slashyness. It is friendship! Grr!

Though I have to admit, slashiness has its very very good points. wink

Review and get a guinea pig.

Bissons are like buffalo but extremely dumb and multicolored. Dalda is my little bro's imaginary friend and is a huge-butted idiot.


	7. In which Sanji catches on fire

AN: How does one pronounce Luffy? My friend says "Loofy" Like the word goofy. I like to say "LUH-fee." Like the word fluffy. Lol.

Sanji's Troubles

Chapter Seven

Sanji paced back and forth along the deck, wearing nothing but striped cotton pajamas. Ever since he had woken up fully and been carried around by the stupid marimo idiot barfy bisson dalda freaking weirdo swordsman, Sanji had been quick to recover. But he still felt naseous every once in a while. Everyone had told him that pacing around like a lunatic would not help him feel better, but hey.

Let's face it: Pacing the decks was less destructive than banging his head against -insert random object here-.

He still didn't know why Luffy was making such a big deal over his smoking. And he still didn't know why Shanks was in his thirties and couldn't read a thermometer. And he didn't know why Zolo had gone a day without attempting to kill Sanji at least once.

Let's face this, too: Sanji didn't know much, and it was putting him in a very bad mood.

He decided to go bang his head on the railng when his bare foot stepped upon something painfully hot. Jumping back and swearing, he held his foot tightly, until he noticed what exactly he had stepped on.

A cigarette.

Sanji's eyes bugged out of his head and he fell over, staring at it. It was mostly stomped out, but he could still smell it. It burned brightly, like a lantern... before he knew what he was doing, the ciggie was in his hand and he was about to put it in his mouth. It burned his hand because the whole thing was pretty much on fire, but he ignored it. Perfection on fire...

He bit it carefully, lips stinging painfully, and inhaled. The smell and flavorandsoftsweetperfectloveliness!

Until his hair caught on fire.

"Aaahhhgh! Aaauuughaaaaawaaaaahhh!" Sanji frantically waved his hands at the fire, which only served to make it bigger. "Ahhhhggghheeehhh! Auuuugh!! OWW OWW OWW!" The small tongues of flame reached for the collar of his pajamas hungrily, which started smoldering instantly.

"Ahhghh! AHHHHHHH!!" What to do in a fire?!

Drop?

Stop?

Roll?

That wasn't it.

Roll?

Drop?

Stop?

All this thinking was taking too long! It hurt very badly, and Sanji was panicking. Tears ran down his face leaving sooty trails as he freaked out and screamed bloody murder.

"Help! HELP! AWWWWHHHHGGGHHH!!"

Sanji couldn't take anymore. He wasn't even thinking properly at this point anymore. (Not that he's ever thought properly.) When...

SPLOOSH!

Steam rose off his body as he shuddered in small spasms. Someone had dumped water on him...

Luffy and the crew all stood there, wide eyed, looking worried. Usopp held an empty bucket in his hands. They all looked extremely curious to how Sanji had managed to catch fire in the middle of the deck away from any, and all, flamable objects.

Crap.

He was about to try to explain himself properly when he felt his legs go limp. Sanji fell to the deck in a dead faint.

END.

AN: WOOT! WOOT! This chapter contains lots of evidence I'm a pyromaniac.

It's true! I love little fires. And what better thing to light on fire than Sanji?

What was a ciggie doing in the middle of the deck? Ahm, hmm. I shalt blame it on Shanks!

Who doesn't even smoke, but decided to ahm, trade roles with Ben for a night, and they dressed up as one another. To celebrate meeting Luffy again, everyone in the crew switched with someone.

(beams) I'm so good at explaining plot-holes!

Those who review get to light a character of their choice on fire. I reccomend Cabaji for fast results.


	8. Which is angsty

AN: It's the angsty chapter! WOOT WOOT! Sanji is comotose, yet still manages to feel angsty... what talent! :D

Sanji's Troubles

Chapter 8

ZOLO POV

I looked down at the prostrate figure of our chef and sighed. It seemed I was going to need to "babysit" the freak again.

"We need to examine him for burns!" Nami was freakishly enthusiastic about said burns. Odd, but natural for her. "Luffy, you go to the storeroom with Usopp. Look for ointment."

"Yeah, yeah." I knelt down and ripped off the charred pajama top, which tore easily. Sanji fell to the ground, separated from his shirt, and landed with a dull thunk. I wasn't sure what to do with the no-longer-a-shirt, it smelled awful, kind of like what we had for breakfast a few days ago. That mash had been an intentional poisoning, I was sure. Anyway, I decided to drop the mangled garment into the water and actually take a look at the dumb cook.

Oh, God. Sanji's entire back was blistered red with a few deeply burned patches. There were even parts that looked completely black. I shook my head, trying to clear the spots before my eyes. Blood I could handle. But burns, sores, and the like made me want to barf.

Nami's eyes were wide. "We- we can't let Luffy see him like this."

I nodded.

"Tell him some excuse, Zoro! You can think of something!"

"Um... ok..."

FIVE MINUTES LATER

"Ok. I told him that he could eat all the food he wanted if he stayed away. Usopp will be back with ointment in a moment."

"Zolo, you are a genius of excuses!" Nami carefully sponged Sanji's back with water, using a washrag from the kitchen. I noticed with satisfaction that I wasn't the only nauseated crew member when she shuddered at the black flakes of charred skin sticking to the rag.

Usopp showed up holding a jar of clear, goopy dark green balm and handed it to Nami. At the sight of Sanji's less-than-excellent condition, he turned almost as green as the ointment and rushed off, making retching noises.

"Ok. Zoro, we have to sponge off all the back. Then we apply the balmy stuff, and bandage it. After that, we look at his arms and legs."

I shuddered yet again. "Alright, stop telling me what to do! We'll save Sanji. Even though the idiot cook's not worth it." I knelt on the ground and took the cloth, and began tentatively swabbing at the chef's lower back until it was mainly clean of soot.

NAMI POV

I admire Zolo more than I ever have before. I had to go barf halfway through cleaning Sanji's injuries, and I'm no frail daisy, swooning at every spare moment over a few drops of blood. But for the whole time, Zolo knelt there, patiently washing off the soot.

I didn't notice any discomfort until he was done with his half of the back, when he stood up. I saw the dead set of his face, the way it was pale greenish white, and when I said the magic words of "Your side is done," he ran to throw up over the side of the ship.

I really admire him now. But yeah, whatever. I hated to do this to Zolo, but I really couldn't take more work.

"Can you do the rest of my side?"

SANJI POV

He was dizzy, and confused. All he knew for sure was that it hurt, hurt bad. And someone was making the pain worse by rasping a rough cloth over his back.

Sanji came to yelling at the sky that no matter how badly he had sinned, he really hadn't meant it, and he would never do it again.

"Nami! He's awake!"

"Oh no! Hold him still! We need to finish cleaning him!"

He blindly kicked in random directions, still certain that it was the fault of the sky that he hurt so much. Sanji heard Nami cry out when his feet connected with her, and wondered what a beautiful girl like his darling Nami-Swan had done to get stuck in hell.

Perhaps she'd stolen a bit too often, but that was surely forgivable. Something was pinning him down, and quickly swabbing off the last part off his back.

"No! Whatever I did, I'm sorry! Please! I didn't mean to trip the chef! Really!"

And then a blessed coolness spread across his back, and it didn't hurt any more. Well, it did, but the pain had retreated into a kind of throbbing background noise, rather than a blazing inferno of agony.

Much, much, better.

But why couldn't he see? Was he blind? Sanji thought, suddenly afraid.

Oh. My eyes are closed. He opened his eyes and blinked and the image of pure, flat green.

Until he realized that the green was Zoro's hair, and Zoro was wrapping his torso in bandages. Oh. Dang it! More uncharacteristic niceness.

"Nami? Zolo? What happened?" His voice was all croaky, he thought with disgust.

"You somehow caught yourself on fire in the middle of a ship! Idiot!" Nami sat huddled, clutching a bruised arm to her chest and glaring.

Did I do that? I hope not, Sanji thought.

"How did you catch fire? Even Luffy isn't stupid enough to defy the laws of physics."

"Shut up, swordsman. I hate you."

"Geez. First I babysit you, then I bandage you, and this is how I'm thanked..."

"Shut. Up."

"I think I know how!" Nami said, her voice dangerously mad.

She held up a mangled, burnt out, completely ruined cigarette.

Oh, crap. I'm busted.

"You were smoking?!"

"Sanji! Luffy trusted you!"

Usopp arrived, and stared at him, anger in his eyes. "We thought you were someone who would follow up on his promises. We seem to have been wrong!"

SANJI FIRST PERSON POV

I stared at them, shivering, wet, and burned. They were my crew, no matter how much I hated them, and I cared about them enough to keep them alive and well. To have them all staring at me, accusatory, upset, and dissapointed, was the worst, most painful feeling I had ever known.

"It's not like that. It's not!" My voice was still raspy but I tried to speak loudly, and make myself heard.

"Yeah, you sneak out to use your personal supply you kept hidden!"

"I didn't! I found it on the ground!"

"Sanji... lying isn't going to help."

BACK TO THIRD PERSON, WOOP DE DO!

Sanji stepped back, tears running down his face and stinging where they touched his burns. "You have to believe me."

"We don't HAVE to do anything."

"No! I mean it! I would never break a promise to the captain!"

"Sanji. I have a, hem, haw, small lying issue as well. It's hard, but telling the truth is better for you."

"NO!" Sanji pushed away Usopp and ran away from the group, towards the back of the ship, where he could sit on the deck and bang his head on the railing.

TIS A DIVIDING LINE.

A wave crashed on the stern, and splashed Sanji. He winced at the salt in his wounds, and shuddered. Why couldn't they believe him for once? Sure, he was the least trustworty of the crew(excepting Usopp), and maybe he loved to mess things up, but they had to listen! He was crying again. What with all this salt, he wouldn't be suprised if he gave himself high blood pressure.

Luffy would belive him. Sanji would go over and tell the whole stupid story, and Luffy would smile, and hug him, and tell him that he was always going to be his friend no matter what, and everything would turn rosy pink, as syrupy violins played in the background.

Or, Luffy would throw him overboard and ask those crap-cookers from the Baratie to replace him. While the violins REALLY played.

Well, he had nothing to lose.

Except for his life, liberty, and non-drowning status.

Ahm. Perhaps the long chat with Luffy could wait.

Sanji sighed. He hadn't liked how he couldn't resist, couldn't say no to picking up the burning stub. But then again, anyone who had smoked since ten would have the same problem.

There were no easy answers.

END

AN: Wrote this thirty minutes after midnight, so it's not my best.

WOOT FOR ANGSTYNESS!

Reviewers get to dress Luffy in emo clothes and make him dance the can-can.


	9. In which Luffy squishes Sanji

AN: Grr, last chapter was so angsty, I considered changing a catagory to angst.

But, the big theme is how Sanji's friends(eventually) help him deal with difficult issues. (so far, they ain't been too helpful, but it's still the major theme.)

Oh noes! If I give up humor, then I will die! dies Noooo!

Sanji's Troubles

Chapter Nine

Sanji stared at his ceiling, freaked out beyond belief.

It was dark, and peaceful, a warm, summery night. But he still couldn't sleep, and everything made him feel nervous.

If they don't trust me...

How can I trust them?

They aren't above hurting me. I know it. They'll come for me. Sanji sat up, and bit his nails- wait! They were all nibbled down. He sighed and bent down, to bite his toenails. He was afraid. So afraid and lonely.

And so dang tired he could hardly see straight.

He banged his head hard on the bed frame. Crap!

Again he thought about what had happened. If he had a chance to do it all over, would he have been able to resist picking up the stub? Even if he knew it would light him on fire and make his whole crew distrust him?

Probably not.

It was sad but true. Sanji would not have been able to change his past. Even if time machines were real.

Dang it. If he ever survived all these physical and mental assaults on his person, he would seriously make an effort to smoke less. Ok, a little less. Like, maybe only one pack a day, instead of the usual five. No, one was too few-

Grrr.

Sanji stared up at the ceiling, eyes wide and vacant. If he was in charge of his life, right now, a gorgeus girl(Nami perhaps, or maybe that customer Roxxanne) would be bringing him a huge pack of tobacco.

But he wasn't in charge. He couldn't even control his own actions, apparently.

Sanji stared up at the ceiling, face pale and lonely, bright in the dark room.

A knock on the door startled him, and he decided not to answer. Must be Them. Come for me, I expect...

The door opened and Luffy strode in, acting like he owned the place. "Sanji! Sanji!"

"The hell?!"

"I'm scared! My room is really really dark and I hear freaky noises from downstairs!"

"Freaky noises? Probably stupid marimo getting himself drunk. Go to sleep."

"B-b-but Sanji! It's too freaky!"

Sanji banged his head on air.

He wasn't in the mood to drag Luffy to the kitchen and show him the idiot swordsman drinking over eight hundred barrels of grog. Or in the mood to take Luffy back to his room and "tuck him in." Gawd, Luffy was seventeen, wasn't he?

That left one option. Crap!

"Luffy, if it's really all that scary, you can sleep in my room for a little bit."

"YAAAY! SLUMBER PARTY!"

"Shut up! A LITTLE BIT only!"

Luffy hugged Sanji and said, grinning, "Move over!"

"..."

"What?"

"..."

"Did I say something?"

"..."

Sanji was about to explain that certain members of the crew would be most shocked that the captain ran around sleeping in random people's rooms, let alone in their actual beds, when he sighed. He was tired. Too tired to do anything about Luffy, who hummed a hyperactive song that jumped around on the scale insanely, and lay down next to Sanji, squishing him into the wall, giving him no room whatsoever.

But not too tired to apologize.

"Luffy? I'm sorry I... I found it on the deck. Really! Really truly... please believe me!"

"Of course I believe you! You'te my favorite chef on the whole ocean! Well, good night!" Luffy yawned and squished Sanji even closer on to the wall, and started snoring louder than Sanji would have believed humanly possible.

No wonder Zoro, who slept across the hall from Luffy, went and got drunk all night.

"Good night, captain." Sanji tried to get out from the wall, and curled up.

Maybe there are some easy answers.

END.

AN: How is this one? Poor Sanji. My brother has done that to me, and at two in the mornin' you just ain't in the mood to tell them to get the hell away from your room.

Remember, no matter how much all you slashy lovers beg, I'm keeping this a FRIENDSHIP fanfic.

:D

Reviewers get to squish Sanji against a wall until he's the desired flatness.


	10. In which Sanji argues with a voice

Sanji's Troubles

Chapter Ten

Sanji was buried alive.

Hundreds of feet beneath the earth, with tons and tons of weight pressing upon him, forcing him into the cold angular surface he had been laid upon before they put the dirt on top...

He opened his eyes gasping for air, horrifed for a minute, until it registered that he was not buried alive.

Sanji was buried in rubber.

He poked Luffy, breathing heavily, smashed into the wall, and wheezed, "Can't... breathe!"

Luffy snored.

Crap.

"Help! H-help!" No answer. He choked and shifted his weight, hoping to alleviate the pain.

It got worse.

Luffy was lying exactly on the worst burns. Speaking of burns, his entire room smelled like burnt toast because of the singed hair and skin on Sanji.

Not exactly what you want to advertise as a chef, ne?

He sighed and tried to get back to sleep.

Sanji was buried alive. Tons and tons of weight hundreds of feet forcing him into the angular befor they put the dirt on-

"Ahhggghh!" Sleeping was not an option, it seemed.

He kicked at Luffy, who snored peacefully, and hugged Sanji in his sleep.

"Captain! Food! Here! Now! Lots of it!"

For a moment, no reaction. Then:

"Food! Whazzat! Whazzum! Whazzamuzza!" Luffy jumped out of the bed and hit the floor, still completely asleep. Sanji stared, in frank disbelief, feeling rather quite a bit of trepidation.

Now, to move the captain back to his own room... Sanji picked up Luffy in his arms, and almost fell to the ground from the effort. God! Luffy needs to go on a diet.

Or maybe you're just weak as hell after suffering withdrawal symptoms, a really bad cold with an extremely high fever, and catching on fire, whispered that little inner voice that always pissed him off so much.

No, Luffy's fat.

You're weak.

Luffy's FAT!

You're WEAK!

FAT!

WEAK!

Sanji banged his head on the wall, the weight of Luffy making him trip and sprawl out on the ground, panting for breath.

Well, this wasn't exactly what he would call going well.

Crap.

He poked the comatose captain and got no reaction.

Grr. He would not give up.

Sanji finally managed to pick up the limp body and open the door, only suffering a few really major bruises and what felt like 8,000,000,000,000,000 severe internal injuries.

He staggered down the hall, trying desperately to keep his balance, when he reached the door. Dizzy from lack of oxegyn, he reached for the knob and-

Wait.

What?

It's locked?

And of course, Luffy's the only one with the keys...

CRAP.

The blonde man swayed from side to side, and fell to the ground with Luffy on top of him. Again. But as there was no wall this time, it was bearable.

The clock struck nine o' clock as Sanji drifted back into dizzy, slightly delirious sleep.

END.

AN: WOOT, writing chapters at two in the morning (literally) is fun! My friend gave me the idea for the door to be locked. I decided to use it, to make up for not making a talking crab give Sanji advice, or for Naruto to appear in Sanji's ceiling one day. Those were also her ideas.

Those who review get to argue with Sanji's evil little mental voice.


	11. Which regards a diary

Sanji's Troubles

Chapter Eleven.

Zolo yawned and walked down the hall, rubbing his temples to escape the sensation of a hangover waiting to pounce, when he tripped over something in the hall. "What the--?!" He landed hard on something soft, squishing it.

Sanji was buried alive. Hundreds of feet tons of weight cool hard angular before dirt shoveled on top!!

"Ack!"

He tried to sit up, but found a cursing Zolo and a semi-concious Luffy squishing him. "Geddoffamah!"

Zoro continued swearing and generally freaking out at the fact Sanji had fallen asleep in the hallway and Luffy had decided to come squish him and generally disturb the peace.

Sanji was not buried alive. He was buried in hungover swordsman and somewhat awake rubber.

"Get off!" Sanji pushed them, hoping that it would actually work. Remarkably, they moved backwards.

Ah. Now he remembered. Pushing things makes them move. Right.

He pushed them over and over, trying not to tip over himself, until he was shoving air. Then he banged his head on the floor and stood, which made all the blood drain out of his head, as usually happens to us poor low blood pressured folk.

Sanji dizzily collapsed back to the ground, groaning. Where Luffy caught him and grinned, asking, "Why are we in the hallway, Sanji?"

"..."

"..."

Sanji sighed. "Because I was trying to put you back in your own room, so I wouldn't keep having nightmares about being buried alive! That's why!"

"Oh. Ok then!"

"..."

"..."

Zolo broke the silence. "What does Luffy invading other people's rooms have to do with being buried alive?"

"Either your room has not yet been graced by our lovely captain's presence, or you can get way drunker than should be possible."

"..."

"What does getting drunk hafta do with anything?" Luffy enquired, looking confused.

"Everything, my boy! Grog is an excellent thing that everyone can relate to!" Zoro was about to launch into a long speech about the virtues of liquour, when he was interuppted by Sanji's cry of agony. He looked up and was greeted by the sight of Luffy attempting to ride Sanji like a horse.

Yes, you heard that right.

Zolo sighed. "Look, Sanji, talk to somebody that you think will understand. Not me. Not the captain. Maybe Don Krieg can give you... advishe..." Zolo yawned and went into his own room.

Sanji banged his head on air.

"Talk to... I dunno. Nobody understands you!"

"Shut up! Just because you're to thick to interpret my mad skills doesn't mean no one understands me!"

"Huh? I didn't understand_**that**_."

"You bisson headed eggplant!" Ahh, sweet sweet excellence. He had never been able to call anyone eggplant before.

"I don't understand..."

"You never will. EGGPLANT."

"Huh?"

"..."

"Whatever. Talk to somebody really dumb, like, close to your level. They'll understand!"

"...!" Sanji banged his head on the ceiling, using a crazy jumping move that left him unable to move for quite some time on the floor.

"Like, I guess, you must be as smart as this here diary. So you can talk to IT!!" :D

"..."

Sanji took the diary and stalked back to his room, glaring at everything. Even the poor, innocent pie tin left over from last night's "meal." More like poisonous snakes on sticks.

_**Dear diary, **_

_**I miss the old days, when I could just cook and smoke in peace. Stupid marimo is being civil. Must have an ulterior motive. Better look into that. Luffy is scary kid. Avoid having him ask for help in the room. **_

Sanji sighed. Nothing to write. Diaries were annoying.

He remembered how Luffy had told him to talk to the diary. Why not pretend it was human? He could write down the responses it would give. She would give. His diary was a female, of course.

A name, a name... Ah. Diara.

Wait. That sounds like the word for runny poo.

Ahm. How about, Dina. There. He had a name for his diary.

_**Dear Dina, **_

_**I feel like crap today. I felt like crap yesterday. And the day before that. I'm really unlucky lately, what with being lit on fire, having no sleep, developing a serious fever, and suffering from recurring nightmares. **_

_**I miss being happy. **_

_**Sometimes I want to cry and stuff, but I'm a man. And men who cry are un-sexy. **_

_**And I must maintain sexiness at all costs. **_

_**The burns on my back are starting to sting like heck. I'm going to ask for more medicine soon. **_

_**Luffy believes me about not actually having my own cigarettes. Zolo too drunk to care. Hungover today. But Nami and Usopp don't trust me. I'm afraid they will come for me. In my sleep. **_

_**I'm scared. **_

_**Your gentlemanly friend, **_

_**Sanji**_

Wow. He loved his new diary. The best part? It didn't give him any advice.

END.

AN: Sanji is losing it big time. Though it's very adorable that he actually named his diary.

:D

Poor Sanji.

Those who review shalt get a choice of:

--A long session of drinking multiple barrels of grog with Zo-zo

OR

--A blank copy of Sanji's diary.


	12. Which contains further angst

AN: Zeff comes in this chapter!

Sanji: Zeff why did you let a ten year old smoke?? Are you outta your mind??

Zeff: gasp I thought it was a lollipop! Those evil 4kids dubbers tricked me! BAWLS

Sanji: (Backs away slowly)

Sanji's Troubles

Chapter Twelve

"I love you, Dina..." Sanji said, giggling. He flipped through the pages. Aside from his messed up first entry, each daily log started up with the phrase: "I feel like crap."

Each and every one of them.

And he had never told Dina a lie. Every word was true. At first it had been hard, but now he let his feelings splash across the paper and described everything. Every little emotion was recorded inside those leather-bound pages. Ever since Luffy had given her to Sanji two days ago, things had looked up a bit.

"Sanji! Sanji!"

"What. Do. You. Want?"

"A hug!" Luffy beamed like he had just gotten the right answer on final jepordy and won a ton of cool stuff.

Sanji sighed, and gingerly hugged his annoying captain.

Tis a dividing line

Luffy loved how his crew smelled. Each and every one of them smelled different, unique, and exciting. Nami smelled like the rain and spices, Zolo smelled like lightning, metal, and a light sunny smell, Usopp smelled like pepper, eggs, and sand.

His favorite smell, however, was Sanji. Sanji smelled like a kitchen, like a rusty pipe, like ice cream. His shirts always smelled deliciously like a citrus of some kind, possibly a lemon. And the whole thing was scented sharply of cigarette smoke.

Today, as the chef reluctantly let Luffy hug him, Luffy could see the smell had changed. Now Sanji smelled like tears, and wanting. The ice cream and citrus were still there, but lessened, and the rusty kitchen pipes were almost invisible. One good thing at least, the cigarette smoke was gone from Sanji's skin. Though his shirts still smelled like tobacco.

"Um, Luffy... why are you smelling me?"

"Because you're my favorite smell!"

"That's nice. My head hurts..."

"I told you not to bang it anymore, Sanji!"

"I want to smoke. Why can't I smoke?"

"Because... I said so."

Sanji banged his head on his arm, and groaned.

"It's ok, Sanji. We're having a visitor come soon. You'll be suprised!"

-moan groan sigh-

Luffy looked at Sanji, really noticing the harrowed lines of his face, and sighed. "You're sad, Sanji!"

"Whatever."

"I need to make you happy before the visitor comes." Luffy thought for a moment, then gently hugged Sanji again, being careful of the bandages that still covered much of the blonde's weakened body.

"I feel so happy. I'm going to explode. I'm so happy. Woot."

"Yay! I made Sanji happy!"

Sanji kicked Luffy's head, and groaned when his blisters stung. Note to self: After being lit on fire, don't try to kick.

Luffy looked confused.

"But if you say you're happy, you must be being sarcastic, because you kicked my head, and that's a surefire sign of unhappiness. But you always seem so happy when you kick me, you must be happy. So, I think you must be being sarcastic in your body movements, because- Augh! I can't take it!" Luffy fell to his knees, eyes crossing and uncrossing.

Sanji watched noncommittally, ignoring his captain's ranting, and looking on apathetically.

If there was one thing he loved doing, it was making Luffy's mind go in circles. Though, judging by this first round of new hypotheses on whether Sanji was being sarcastic or not, this was more of an advanced polyhedra. He was pretty sure that it was Rhombicosidodecahedron level of complication.

Whatever. Whoever the suprise guest was, Sanji wouldn't be suprised. He would make himslef be un-suprised. No matter how suprising the guest was.

"Luffy? Let me explain. I was being sarcastic about being happy."

Luffy turned to him with a haunted expression. "But what if you're being sarcastic now?"

Sanji banged his head on air. "Grr!"

The captain dizzily sat and pondered about the nature of sarcasm whilst Sanji decided a long, long, long, nap wouldn't hurt.

--TIS A DIVIDING LINE, WOW!--

Sanji was snoring lightly and curled up like a cat when his door blew open, waking him up violently. Crap! What was with all these people who wanted to bust down his door?

"Eggplant?"

"Wha- Geezer?"

Zeff stepped out of the dust and coughed, but it was him indeed. Sanji's eyes brimmed with tears as he leaped out of bed, and began running in slow motion towards his mentor and role model...

Instead of running as well, Zeff kicked Sanji sharply in the stomach, sending him flying back.

"Eggplant! You look like crap!" The chef glowered. "Last time you looked this bad was when you hadn't eaten in days!"

"I- I do not look like crap!" Sanji tried unsuccsessfully to get up, but slipped back into the crumbling wall fragments on the floor. He glared almost as fiercely as the chef was.

"You do look like crap!" Another, very painful, kick.

"Ack! Do-o not!" Sanji coughed and hacked and cussed all at the same time.

"You look like crap. Deal with it!"

Sanji looked at the peg leg that was poised to kick him a third time, and scowled. "Ok. I look like crap."

"Good boy. Now, eggplant, I heard you're having trouble."

"Am not!"

Zeff kicked him. "When you're ready to talk sense, come find me."

The blonde lay in the rubble, and sighed. Why did his room keep getting destroyed lately?

TIS A VERY SPECIAL DIVIDING LINE! :D (NOT REALLY.)

Zolo yawned, and poured a mug of grog for the visitor. "So, you and Sanji known eachother since forever, right?"

Zeff sighed heavily, and -insert really long, somewhat boring, and utterly pointless flashback here- -begin more useful, second flashback here-

It was hard to imagine that the lanky practically-a-man sulking in the bedroom was the same person as the wide eyed kid who'd taken Zeff on singlehandedly. Zeff could remember after Sanji had come over and figured out that the older chef really did care for some reason or another, he had been inconsolable. I mean, whining all day and all night, crying like the eggplant he was, and shivering from the cold and damp. Until he finally got too tired to whine, and did nothing but sit there with his bony, light body pressed on Zeff's, poking him all up and down his sides. It was bad enough to lose a leg, he didn't need a kid to grab on his torso tighter than a barnacle on a whale. And then Sanji had one day not been able to sit up, and been unable to hold on to the bigger chef. Which was nice, and lovley to be free, until the kid started trying to walk, and trying to move properly as Zeff had gotten weaker and weaker. And then, on the silty afternoon of day... eighty? Ninety? Whatever- he had been lying on the grass, staring up at the sky, dizzily wondering if he would die today, as the little kid curled up next to him got sicker and deader, he ship came, and he lived.

Unfortunately, eggplant-head made it too.

And what else can you do with a little kid who obviously has nowhere else to go, and actually might be like, 1 useful?

Poor Zeff.

-end useful flashback-

Zolo blinked. "Um. That's cool."

Zeff threw a piece of chicken at him, and went back to drinking his grog.

TIS YET ANOTHER SPECIAL DIVIDING LINE!!

Sanji had run out of things to curse. He had run out of things to throw. Half of his hair was brown and singed, which really ticked him off.

And why, whatever's wrong with joyful reunions with slo-mo running?

Everything.

Sanji curled up in a little ball, and buried his face in his knees, which unfortunately were covered in bits of plaster. He had a sneezing fit that lasted about five minutes completely before locking the splintered remains of his door and bawling.

And, for future reference, he didn't give a rat's butt over whether crying was sexy.

The blonde punched the wall, ignoring the fact that he was bruising his hands, and cried like a baby for several minutes before calming down enough to curl up again and sob, rather than scream. Eventually he stopped altogether, and banged his head on the wall, sending large chunks of ceiling stuff down onto his head.

Stupid ceiling.

Stupid floor.

Stupid window.

Stupid weird black spots at the edge of my vision-

Thunk.

END

AN: Poor Sanji has issues.

:P Zeff also has issues.

Heck, the whole ship has issues!

Which is probably why Sanji hasn't gotten real help before this.

LOL!

Review, and you get to make the ceiling break to your heart's content.


	13. In which Sanji is NOT his friend

Sanji's Troubles

Chapter Thirteen

Nami ate stonily, studiously ignoring the presence of Chef Zeff. He was there to see Sanji. Not her.

Ah, Sanji. The blonde chef had finally lost it completely. Speaking of which, she hadn't seen him since he had been covered in burns.

He probably was still covered in burns.

Maybe she should have trusted him for once.

Nah. Sanji was good for serving her, but not to keep serious promises. Sanji was a shallow pool, fun to wade in, but nowhere she could actually swim.

All the same, she decided to go see if he was still alive.

LINE!!

Sanji was in his room, lying on the ground, dazed. Several huge chinks of ceiling had just hit him in the head, remember, so you must cut him some slack.

Nami rattled the doorknob, and glanced at the splintry frames that held the room closed. She whacked them and they gave way with a resounding THWAP!

And there was Sanji the shallow pool, lying on the floor, moaning.

"God! You got hurt again?!"

Nami instantly regretted what she'd said. She sighed and went to see if he had brain damage or something.

LINE!!

Sanji was dizzy. Confused, in pain, etc.

What happened? And why was Nami here? Dumb two faced bisson. He had always been distracted by her looks, but now realized that underneath her pretty face she didn't have any particular care for him at all. He moved, yelled in pain, and managed to thumb his nose at her before collapsing back to the ground.

Nami frowned, annoyed beyond measure. "Don't make no faces at me, cook. I'm not going to help you otherwise."

The cook's thought were singing joyful chorus as he made random faces at the red head. He watched with delight as her features clouded over and she yelled something he didn't care about and left. Sanji grinned and coughed, glad to have removed the problem.

LINE!!

Zolo was minding his own buisness, when Nami stormed by, her face looking the way it always did when she had just killed someone.

Uh oh. Sanji's room was over there...

Not that he cared what happened to Sanji, of course.

But it was always good to know whether there was a body on board or not.

LINE!!

Sanji wiggled feebly, trying to help himself, when yet another intruder came in. This one was... Zoro?!

Dang it! More weird niceness!

This was not good. Very not good.

Zolo stared, and squatted next to Sanji, asking, rather bemused, "Did Nami do this? Or was it your phenomenal bad luck?"

"...bad luck."

"Ah. I see."

"What do you want from me?"

"Huh?"

"Why are you here?! What do you want?!"

"Sanji, calm down. It's me. A member of the same crew as you. It's ok..."

"Ahh! STOP IT!"

"...Stop what?"

"That... thing! Where, you act all, nice!"

"Oh." Zolo laughed, throwing back his head in total abandon.

"It's not funny! Stop!"

"Sanji, you do know that, no matter how much I hate your guts, that doesn't mean that I want you to die?"

"No! Insult me! Threaten me! Tease me! Please!" Sanji squirmed in the rubble, pleading.

"Ahm. Ahm."

"Please!" Sanji sobbed. Zolo being a bisson was the one thing in the world he could count on. He wouldn't believe it was the end of the world if the sun didn't rise, it was the end of the world when Zolo behaved like a human.

Sanji disliked the idea of the world ending.

"You're weird. Most people beg that others WON'T insult them."

"Most people aren't me."

"Thank god for that!" Zolo said feelingly.

"... Thank you so much!"

"For... making a joke at your expense?"

"Yeah."

"Ahm. You're welcome?"

"No! You have to say, I hate you, Sanji!"

"Ahm, I... hate you, Sanji?"

"Yeah!"

"Ahm. You... suck?"

"Yeah, like that. Thank you Zolo. You're a good friend." For a moment Sanji's tangled, smashed, battered body managed to twitch over to Zolo and give him a half-hug thingy.

"You're a ...pretty good friend too."

"No! You need to be mean."

"Alright. I'll be mean. Now, let me see where you fell."

Sanji complied, already dizzy from euphoria. Yes! One thing would never change.

Zolo and he would always fight.

END.

AN: More fluffy ZoSan friendship! :D Though Sanji insists, No, we are not friends.

Yeah, Sanji. Suuuuuuuuuuure.

Reviewers get a wading pool in the shape of Sanji labeled, "Sanji is shallow."

(Nami's idea, not mine!)


	14. Which has storm, and no fire

AN: My friend who wanted a talking crab to show up has demanded more squishing and smashing. Enjoy!

Sanji's troubles

Chapter Fifteen

Sanji had grinned cheerfully and obeyed every request Zoro gave him, anything to maintain his fragile shell of remaining reality.

He had even held nice and still so he could get a shot, though what buisness a stupid swordsman had with shots was beyond him.

The cook had been very good.

As Zolo finished changing the bandages, a crack of lightning echoed through the air, and a steady drizzle began. The two young men watched in silence as it grew harder, until the water bounced up like little sledgehammers from the ground. They heard noise coming from the deck, but remained, waiting for a summons, enjoying the realtive dryness of Sanji's room. Sanji's room was in the safest part of the ship, where storms would have a great deal of trouble reaching and enemies would probably pass by. It was fairly quiet, with just the pouring of the rain.

Until Luffy burst into the room, yelling, "IT'S A STORM!"

"I think we've grasped that, Luffy..."

"BUT. NAMI'S ROOM IS SAFE, AND USOPP'S IS FINE TOO. BUT MINE AND ZOLO'S MIGHT GET FLOODED!"

"You're giving me a headache, captain."

"We! Gotta! All! Share! This! Room!"

"..."

"..."

Luffy beamed. "Sanji's bed has lots of room!"

"...!"

"...!"

Zolo and Sanji were speechless. They could not bring themselves to say anything.

"It's gonna get really cold, so we have to keep Sanji from freezing, k? 'Cause I bet that if even the littlest chill gets in, he'll die!"

"..."

"..."

Luffy sighed and yawned as he climbed into Sanji's bed and fell asleep.

Sanji and Zoro stared at one another in a quiet sort of horror.

--LINE--

Sanji tried to hide the fact he was shivering. No way would he let someone 'warm him up.' Yuck.

"Nami will get us out of the storm! Her and Usopp know the way!" Luffy's endless optomisim was rather annoying at times, especially now.

"Yeah, sure." Zolo, who was sitting in a corner and sulking, seemed to share Sanji's point of view.

"Yay! We have faith! I'm going to go ask Nami if she needs help!" Luffy went out into the rain, skipping happily.

Sanji shivered, and curled up tighter. Zolo tried to use friction heat to get rid of the goosebumps. The minutes ticked by, each one soon shiveng to the extreme, with chatering teeth and spams of cold running through their bodies.

Finally, freezing and coughing a lot, Sanji looked up at the same time as Zolo and made eye contact, both of them with the same horrified expression on their faces. Zolo broke the spell by standing up and carrying Sanji over to the pile of blankets. Zolo silently picked up a nice red silk one, and Sanji chose a golden blue satin. They got under their covers, sitting as close as they could without violaing the whole mortsl enemie thing.

Sanji sneezed, and shivered hard. Zolo forgot that he had sworn to be cruel in unnesecary and unusual ways to Sanji, and patted him on the back. Sanji moaned and scooted about a fourteenth of an inch closer to Zolo and shuddered. "Truce. K?."

"Yeah, cool, Sanji. At dawn, I get to kill you."

"Yeah!"

"Ok. Truce."

Luffy came back into the room, and nestled in all aound Sanji, giggling. "SLUMBER PARTY!"

This time, none of the crew had the energy to disagree.

AN: I'm semi concious, and keep falling to sleep as I type. It's pissing me off.

Review and get a talking crab!

NEW AN: Fixed this up, now that I'm a little more awake. :D


	15. In which Sanji is cold

Sanji's Troubles

Chapter Fifteen

Sanji was shivering, probably because he was sitting across the cabin from Zolo and Luffy, who were both snoring, Zolo lightly, Luffy loudly. Maybe if he got off the cold floor, he would be warmer. But if he got off the floor and into bed, then he'd get squished by Luffy and Zolo, and dream about being buried alive.

He decided to remain on the floor.

Zolo opened his eyes and blinked, looking rather terrified.

"Whazzwrongwithyou?" Sanji asked.

"Dreamed 'bout bein' buried."

"Oh, yeahs, I dream that when Luffy's around too."

The swordsman yawned, and was about to go back to sleep, when he opened his eyes again.

"Sanji! You must be freezin'."

"Am- SHUDDER SHUDDER- not."

"You're gonna get a cold."

"Nope. N-n-n-not m-m-me."

"And you're just too good to be squished by Luffy, aren't you?"

"Y-y-y-shhhhhhhh." He tried to say, yeah, I'm too good to die! But it didn't really work.

"Idiot. I'm squashed but warm."

"Y-y-y-ou're d-d-d-d b-b-but w-w-w-warrrrrm." Dang it! He just couldn't talk when his teeth were chattering so much.

"Whatever."

"Sh-sh-sh-shhhhhhhh!"

"Does that mean, Shut Up?"

"Mmm." Sanji nodded.

"Idiot."

"Shhh."

Zolo sighed. "You'll be dead before morning, y' know."

"N-n-n-nnnnn. SH-SH-Sh-sh-shhhh!"

"Luffy is gonna be pissed when the chef dies."

"Nnnn. SH! Sh-sh-sh!!"

He sighed again. "Sanji..."

"N-n-n! Sh-sh-sh!!"

"I will not shut up! I don't want you to die! The captain will kill me!"

"Nnnnnnnnnnnn." That was supposed to mean, No, you're his favorite.

"Say again?"

"N-n-no-o-o-o, y-y-y-you're h-h-h-h-hissss f-f-favvvvv..."

"Am not. You're his favorite smell, remember?"

"Y-y-y-y, bbbbb-b-b-butttttt you're t-the b-b-b-b-bestttttt."

"Yup. The captain likes me. I'm the first mate, what do you expect?"

"N-n-n-n-n-n-n."

"I can't understand a freaking word you say!"

"Nnnnn! Sh-sh-sh-sh-sh."

"Aw man, Sanji! Are you even trying to talk?!"

"Y-y-y-shhhhhhhh."

"I see. Want me to take your temperature or something?"

"N-n-n-nnnnn."

"Idiot."

Sanji said something unwritable, with a million consonants and clicking noises. We don't think he even knows what he was trying to say himself.

Zolo stood up, holding the captain by one foot, and walked over to Sanji-the-freezing. He unceremoniously droppped Luffy on top of Sanji and lay down next to him.

"N-n-n-n!! N-N-N-NNNNN!!"

"Shut. Up." Zolo closed his eyes and fell asleep, snoring.

"N-n-noooo. G-g-g-gggggnnnn!" That presumably meant, Go away stupid idiot freak whom I hate.

Luffy opened one eye and said, sleepily, "Hi, Sanji." And began to snore again.

"H-h-h-h-e-el-el-elp." Sanji muttered. His teeth were too chattery to say the next bit of, "I'm buried in idiots."

Though, at least they were warm idiots.

The chef waited a moment, until they were dead asleep, and then proceeded to drag Luffy until he was closer to Sanji. Though he really didn't want to wake up with yucky swordsman residue on him, he decided that in a matter of life and death, it might be ok to snuggle the teensiest bit with the idiot barfy stupid etc etc etc Zolo.

Finally, he warm. Sweet heaven. Sweet, sweet, sweet.

Until the swordsman muttered, "Whatever happened to mortal enemies?"

Oh, crap. Why can't idiots stay asleep?

Because they care, said the little voice.

Because they're stupid, retorted Sanji.

"Nothing. I still hate you."

"Mmm hmm. What... eve..rrrr..." Zolo yawned and fell asleep.

Sanji banged his head on air before giving up and lying back.

Scratch his last piece of advice.

There still were no easy answers.

AN: Last chapter is crap. I'm sorry, people. Ahm, you want a legimate reason other than me being half asleep when I wrote it? Ahm. Ahm.

Look! Sanji doing the can can in lingerie!

hides

Those who review get to snuggle with crew members of your choice.


	16. Which is traumatic

Sanji's Troubles

Chapter Sixteen

Zeff thought about the eggplant head. Perhaps he had been too hard on the little idiot, who looked enough like crap before getting kicked almost through a wall.

Nah.

But he still wanted to see if Sanji was ok. As in, still breathing air in and out of his lungs ok. Outside it was still drizzling, but nothing as bad as last night. Even so, he left his precious chef-hat folded carefully on his bed and stayed under awnings. Why, you ask, did a macho-chef-uber-scary-dude-person care about a little water?

Because he didn't want his moustache to get wet, of course. He pulled open the battered door to Sanji's room, and blinked in suprise. The bed was empty. Though there were no covers on it. Zeff was about to leave and look in the kitchen, when he noticed what was on the other side of the room.

ACK.

He fell backwards, sitting down much more suddenly then he had expected, at the sight of Sanji-who-looked-like-crap curled up on the floor with the captain, and weird green-haired kid, all of them snoring and dead asleep, oblivious to the morning light and little mewling cries of the traumatized Zeff. Sanji had a look of bliss on his face, completely relaxed and cheeful, which was very, very weird.

Chef Zeff shuddered and tried to erase the last five seconds from his memory before reopening his eyes.

It didn't work.

--HEY, I COULD USE AN ACTUAL DIVIDING LINE, BUT I'M TOO COOL.--

Sanji was very nice and warm. It was comfortable on the floor, and he could feel other nice warm things making the whole makeshift bed nice and warm. In short, Sanji was really really nice and warm.

He pulled something he thought was an arm around him for a pillow, and nestled into the covers, still completely unaware. One of the nice warm things cuddled closer and made things even nicer and warmer. For some reason there were two noises that really confused him, one of which was a little mewling noise of terror, the other a deep, content, series of sighs.

Oh yeah. He was sighing. Once he figured that out, he decided that whoever was mewling could deal with their own crap-problems and leave him alone. Sanji buried his face in one of the nice warm thing's arms, striving for the ultimate nice warmth.

And things were really nice and warm.

--STILL TOO COOL FOR A REAL DIVIDING LINE--

Zeff got up and staggared away, moaning. That was terrible. He wandered into the pristine kitchen, and sat down heavily at the table, dizzily continuing to try to erase his memories.

Nami sauntered into the kitchen, still in a rather bad mood about Sanji in general, and caught sight of Zeff. "What's wrong?! Are you sick or something?"

He was about to retort that after that sight, anyone weaker than him would be dead, before remembering how annoying this young woman was. "I'm just worried about Sanji. Do me a favor and look in his room?"

--DUR, I'M SO FRICKIN' COOL!!--

Sanji inhaled the scent of the warm things, and smiled sleepily. Ahhh. For once, the blonde had forgotten about cigarettes and relaxed utterly. His only half-awake thoughts were that maybe if he rolled over it would be warmer...

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" A high pitched scream of a female in distress would never fail to rouse Sanji, even from the deepest sleep. Even so, it was hard to abandon the comfort of drowsiness and open his eyes. He woke up slowly, first happy and vaguely not even missing smoking, then apalled.

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!" Sanji's terrified screams joined Nami's, as he spazzed out in general trying to figure out why he had been sleeping on Zolo's arm, and curled up way closer than was prudent to Luffy's just waking body.

He was especially worried about the fact that he had been comfortable.

Nami fell on the floor, still screaming bloody murder. Sanji fought the effort to do the same and lost, wailing like a two year old.

Back in the kitchen, Zeff sighed and smiled. "Music. Sweet, sweet music."

--DIVIDING LINE--

Zolo jerked awake and found Sanji spazzing out, and Luffy yawning. "What just happened here?" Nami looked seriously traumatized, and was banging her head on the wall while screaming freakishly loud.

Luffy blinked, and replied, "Beatsh me."

Sanji screamed even louder than Nami, and ran out of the room, presumably to lock himself in the bathroom and vomit.

Zolo was sorely tempted to do the same, when he remembered how they had all cuddled. YUCK.

--ANOTHER LINEY!!--

Nami finally got a hold on herself, and tried to stop crying. Ye gods. She would never sleep again, for fear of the nightmares she would have. She got up and walked back to her room, swaying from side to side dizzily.

Sanji needed to suffer for that. Scarring her mind like that!

Now, what would be the most painful? Blackmail? Or just plain attack?

Zeff watched her punch the wall as she walked by the kitchen, and listened to her yell in traumatic memory.

"Music."

END.

AN: The very random chapter. Poor Sanji. No one has told me how to pronounce Luffy yet! tear I feel... sparkly now.

Reviewers get to traumatize Zeff.

LITTLE ENDY THINGY:

Zeff: Oh, Sanji. I feel so sad that I let you smoke. I seriously thought it was a lollipoop.

Sanji: Now, what kind of macho chef smokes a lolli- WHAT? Did you just say lolliPOOP?

Zeff: Yeah.

Sanji: What in hell's name are you high off of this time?! glances around shiftily Can I have some?


	17. Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia!

AN: So, I was gonna get up early and update today, but I was taking a shower, and got kinda distracted. You know, if you mix together a bunch of shampoos and conditioners, you can make all different colors? And then you lather it all over your body, and you do this little dance to make it come off in the water, and if you put shampoo on your lips you can blow bubbles like a bubble wand only they come straight out of your mouth and-

Ahem. You get my drift.

Sanji's Troubles

Chapter Seventeen

Nami cautiously tiptoed back towards Sanji's room, after sitting in her room chanting "It was only a dream. It was only a dream." for about forty minutes. Thankfully she found it empty of both Sanji, Luffy, and Zolo, which was a good sign indeed. Phew. She snuck over to his desk and pulled out the little red leather notebook. The red headed girl flipped through the pages impatiently, trying to find something she could use. Aha! Here:

_**Dear Dina, **_

_**I feel like crap. Here is a list of my fears. **_

_**1. Nami when she's mad. **_

_**2. Zolo in general. **_

_**3. Being buried alive. **_

_**4. Pumpkins. **_

_**5. Turning into a pumpkin. **_

_**6. Flowers. **_

_**7. FIRE. **_

_**Here is a list of disorders I think I'm developing lately. **_

_**1. **__**Coimetrophobia (fear of pumpkins)**_

2. Apocolocynposis (fear of transforming into a pumpkin. 

_**3. Anthrophobia(fear of flowers)**_

_**4. Arsonphobia(fear of fire.) **_

_**5. Anuptaphobia(fear of staying single) **_

_**6. Atomosophobia (fear of atomic explosions) **_

_**7. Cosprastasophobia (fear of constipation.) **_

_**8. **__**Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia!! FEAR OF LONG WORDS. **_

_**Your gentlemanly friend, **_

_**Sanji. **_

She giggled evilly. Now she knew what she had to do. "Zeff! Zeff!" Nami yelled. "I'm going to town with Luffy first, then everyone else can go. Not Sanji, of course!"

Zeff blinked, and nodded. "Okay. Whatever you want, Nami." Easier to just agree than to try to figure out what she actually said.

--TIS A LINE--

Nami continued to giggle in town, as she made her purchases. At one shop, "Sir? Might I have some tobacco?" At the next, "Excuse me? I would like some gunpowder." And after that, "May I please have a fuse and matches?" Yes, her plan was evil indeed.

Luffy, on the other hand, bought lots of cool food, ate it all, and went to a bookstore, where he normally never went. He cheerfully picked out a book titled, "Ways of showing friendship." And bought it as well.

--TIS A LINE--

Sanji was very very happy. After vomiting for a while, he left the bathroom, and was told about the shopping plans. Ah! He'd be alone with his Nami-Swan! Though, unfortunately, Luffy would be there too.

Hey, he might not get along with Nami, but she was certanitly... (swirly eyes) Beautiful...

--WOOT! A LINE!--

Nami spent a while carefully putting together her materials, and placed the finished product carefully in the kitchen, laughing. That's what Sanji'd get for traumatizing her! Ha!

Luffy read the first chapter. He was choosing his favorite suggestions to do to Sanji, to cheer him up. Let's see, what did he have? Number 36, kiss to show affection. Number 29, Give a present of a pleasing sort. Number 50, engage in fun activities.

Ahhhh. He would make Sanji sooooo happy.

--TIS A LINE--

Sanji got up from his bed and wondered idly if there was any chance of ever getting to the town. Probably not. He sighed and wandered on towards the kitchen, which held not much. Mostly poisonous meals Luffy had tried to cook after Sanji had kinda slacked off. He shuddered at the sight of the mangled remains of breakfast, and went to find something to cook. Cooking calmed his nerves. Hmm, nothing new, that bread knife needed cleaning, a pack of cigarettes, some overcooked brocco-

WHAT?!

He turned his attention to the pack, and stared. OMG. OMG. Sanji picked it up carefully, not trusting it. The pack was gonna dissapear any minute now. He carefully read the lable, which said, in neatly typed print, "To Sanji. From a friend."

Sanji laughed like an idiot and took one of the matches that lay beside the box, and a cigarette, and lit it.

For about 2.5 seconds, the blonde chef was in heaven.

And then the ciggy blew up.

"Ahhh! HOLY CRAP WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?!" He yelled, gaining no answer. The cook glanced around, wondering what the source of the mysterious crackling noise was. A familiar smell of burnt toast filled his nose...

CRAP.

"Ahhh! MY HAIR'S ON FIRE! HELP ME! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!!"

He ran out on the deck, screaming louder than an ambulance, startling many of the people a mile away on land into dropping their bags and covering their ears. WHAT TO DO IN A FIRE?!

Sanji decided to try the first thing that came to mind. In a crazy aerial maneuver, he jumped in the air and rolled, then stopped rolling in mid-air, then hit the ground, breath leaving him in a whoosh. If this had been in the Olympics, he would have been given the gold. Unfortunetly, he was on fire and unable to breathe. Yes, still on fire. CRAP!!

"Nami! LUFFY! HEEEEEEELP MEEEEEEEEEE!"

No answer. He was utterly terrified and in a state of panic as his old burns started to throb painfully in rythm with the new ones that were forming at the very moment.

Oh god. Oh god. Oh god.

"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!!"

--ANOTHER LINEY LINEY LINE!!--

Nami giggled as she listened. Sanji had fallen for her trap. She was sure he would be fine. He wasn't really that afrraid of fire.

Was he?

Well, of course not. And Luffy was at the other end of the ship, no way would he hear anything. She waited for the sounds of Sanji jumping into the water, or rolling to smother the flames. And grew increasingly more anxious as nothing happened but more terrified pleas for help.

Uh oh.

"I'm coming Sanji! Don't worry!"

--LIIIIIIIINNNNNNEEEEEEYYYY!!--

Sanji screamed and tried to put out the fire by dropping to the deck, stopping, and getting up and spinning in midair. "HELP ME! OH FRICKING GOD SOMEONE HELP!!"

Nami ran up, and ignoring the heat blisters that formed on her slender hands, wrapped her arms around Sanji-the-human-flame and dragged him to the edge of the boat, where she twisted, flinging them off headfirst.

He was dimly aware through the pain that Nami was holding him, which was a very good thing. He smiled, and wondered why they were moving up.

And then they hit the water, and Sanji figured out, they had been FALLING, not flying... Oh crap.

The salt stung really badly, which made Sanji squirm, but Nami punched him while underwater and began to drag him to the surface. Of course, Sanji who was in lots of pain and incredibly dizzy, did not really respond much, and they got to air without much ado. Though Sanji kicked out at Nami at the worst possible moment and went falling back into the deep water, where he floated for a bit, inhaling liquid and trying to find Nami until he was pulled back to the air.

"Sanji! Breathe! Open your mouth and breathe!"

"N-n-nami... Swan. So... beautiful..." Nami slapped his face hard and screamed at him, "BREATHE, DUMB--!!"

Sanji tried to say, ah, my angel, who needs oxegyn when they have you? But it didn't work. All he could do was sputter and spit water at Nami. Erm, not the best way to show affection.

"BREATHE! IDIOT!" Nami looked like she was crying, which distressed Sanji. He couldn't let a girl cry. The singed cook weakly tried to pat her shoulder.

"Luffy! LUFFY! Get us up! NOW!" Luffy? Ah, Luffy. Sanji missed Luffy. He must do Something Nice to the captain soon.

"Nami? Whazza doing, swimming on a freezing day like today?!"

"WE ARE NOT SWIMMING! HELP US UP!" Sanji felt a rubbery arm wrap around his waist and pull him up on to the deck, which upset him. "N-n-naaaaa..." He mumbled, trying to get back down to his Nami.

"I'm right here, Sanji. Right here. Luffy got us both up, it's ok, please breathe for me, please!" A tear landed on his face, and Sanji again felt very worried about keeping all females on the planet happy.

Luffy leaned over the half-dead chef and yelled, "DON'T YOU DARE QUIT BREATHING, MISTER! BREEEEEEAAAAAATTTTTHHHHHEEEEE!!"

More tears fell on Sanji's face, was the idiot captain crying over him too? Geez, this was one stupid day. Everyone... just... kept... on... crying...

Sanji couldn't really see anything, which would have bothered him. If he hadn't closed his eyes and fallen into a freaky sleep-like state.

--WOOT! A LINE.NAMI FIRST PERSON POV--

"Nami! We have to save him!" Luffy was crying all over the place, even more than I was. Oh God. I screwed up. I couldn't believe what I did to Sanji. Now he was gonna die, and it was all my fault.

"Nami?! You need to help me! He'll be fine, won't he?!"

I shook my head, and started crying harder and harder until there was nothing but tears and guilt left.

--DOUBLE WOOT! LUFFY POV--

"No. NO. Nami, you liar!" I was about to punch her off the boat, but I missed. I mean, on purpose I knocked down our sail. "SANJI. GET UP THiS SECOND." When my favorite smell didn't move, I knew I had to do something.

"I need to show him what a friend he is..."

--SANJI POV--

It was dark, which ticked him off. He had always hated the dark. And Nami wasn't even there any more, which made it a total waste.

If I can ever get out of this dark place, and be with my Nami and my crew, I swear, I will smoke less. Sanji thought to himself dizzily.

Sometihng was over him again, as he could tell by the tears that hit his face. Luffy? Nami? It didn't matter. He felt numbly that someone hugged him, and whispered in his ear how much of a good friend Sanji was. Ahh, this was more like it. He was about to try and agree when someone put their lips on his.

What the?! Oh. It must be Nami.

Lovely. Very lovely...

"DON'T YOU DARE DIE!" Yelled the lips, which suprised him. That sounded like Luffy...

"AHHH!! AHHH!! HOLY FRICKEN CRAP!!" Sanji sat up yelling, and kicked Luffy away from him. Hard. "AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

Sanji staggared to his feet, and collapsed, choking for a moment. "A-a-aggggghhhh...!"

Nami stared at him with wide eyes, tears brimming over. "You... aren't dead?"

What a stupid question, thought the chef to himself disdainfully.

"You... AREN'T DEAD!" Nami ran over to Sanji and hugged him tightly, which made it even harder to breathe. He choked, and water flew everywhere out of his mouth. Nami shoved him back on to the deck and started doing CPR, which was very, very, very good for Sanji.

Luffy got up, rubbing the bruise on his forehead, moaning. Geez. All he had done was act of friendship number 36.

Sanji finally managed to breathe without Nami's help, which was really annoying. Grr. But hey, he had survived. Though he wasn't sure what he had survived, all he knew was that he hoped it would never happen again.

He was in such a good mood about being alive, that he didn't even kill Luffy when the captain came back to hug and kiss Sanji again. Because, of course, Nami was there too. Kissing and hugging right along next to the captain.

He could find out later what exaclty happened.

For now, he would just enjoy the attention and sleep.

END.

AN: Woot, this took forever! :D

Did you ever think about the fact Zolo has feet? Like, actual, LEGS? And, toes?

Wow. Wow. I never did before today.

LITTLE EXTRA THINGY:

Zeff: (in tears) How moving! This chapter is so moving!

Sanji: How is it moving that my addiction which is YOUR FAULT almost killed me?

Zeff: I don't know. And no, you can't have any of the gummi bears I'm high on. (glares)


	18. Delirium

AN: I don't like the number eighteen. :P SO this is gonna be short and crappy! WOOT!

Sanji's Troubles

Chapter eighteen.

Sanji couldn't make himself breathe right. It was a little scary, especially when you were in bed, covered in bandages, and needing to throw up every half hour.

Let's face it: Sanji hated being sick.

Zolo had come in to the room, and watched Sanji for a bit, before asking quietly, "How did you catch on fire this time?"

Sanji sullenly replied, "I was... smoking."

"You never learn."

"B-b-but it was freaky! I found a pack that said it was from a friend, and I started smoking this really good ciggie, and then, it like, exploded, and my hair started burning. It's all a blur after that."

"A blur?"

"Mmm-hmm. I just know I hit the water, and it was wet, and that gorgeous Na-a-ami was there, and then..." Sanji stopped the narrative there, remembering how Luffy had mistakenly expressed his friendship in a rather shocking way.

"What?"

"I-i-i don't remember."

"Yeah right."

"Ok. A bunch of weird stuff I don't remember happened, and then Luffy like, um. Um. Ahem. Tried to wake me up by... um. Um. I think he heard the story of Sleeping Beauty and... ahm. Er."

"He- ew. Our captain is crazy!"

"I agree. He scares me sometimes."

"Me too."

Sanji sat up quickly and groaned. "Excuse me. I need to-"

-grossness-

"EW!" Zolo commented, staring at Sanji's green face. "I'm not cleaning that up."

The chef glared as he mopped up the pile of vomit. "You're the healthy one."

"True. Which is why I'm not cleaning up the sick one's barf!"

He got back into the bed and scowled.

Zolo walked over and felt the blonde's forehead, sighing. "You're running a temperature."

Sanji was planning on kicking the idiot and calling him a few excellently nasty things, but the spinning room made that difficult. And besides, it did feel good to have a cool hand on his forehead. He dizzily reached up and put the hand on his cheek instead, and sighed in bliss. So cold. Very nice when you thought you were going to catch on fire at random, you were so hot.

The swordsman looked down, bemused. "What?"

Sanji blushed. "I'm hot, and your hand feels nice." He mumbled, already exhausted, though he had done almost nothing lately.

"You must be delirious."

"Am... not."

Zolo tried to leave, but the blonde clung to his hand like a two year old who didn't want to go to sleep at night. Which was probably the mental state Sanji was in, seeing as he hadn't been able to sleep all night and was probably delirious besides.

So he sat down on the bed and let Sanji cling to his arm until the chef started snoring.

"Baka. You really should get your own stuffed animal, instead of making one out of my arm."

"Your arm is nicer."

The green headed man laughed, and waited for Sanji to fall back to sleep before leaving to wash off his arm.

He didn't want any cook residue on him.

Even so, the words had been nice to hear.

He said to himself, "Did you hear that? My arm is nicer."

END.

AN: Considerably less crappy than I expected! YEAH!

Sanji: I am in no way responsible for what I say when delirious. (blushes like the sunset)

Zolo: (dies) GRR STUPID AUTHOR!

Me: LOL. Ok, let's go for ice cream.

Both: Ok, we don't hate you. We just really really dislike you.


	19. In which Nami has angstyness too

Sanji's Troubles

Chapter Nineteen

Sanji woke up the next morning, feeling like crap. It was so hot... he wished Zolo-who-has-really-cold-hands was there. He got up and fell to his knees as the blood ran out of his head, moaning. After a moment or two of dizziness, he managed to get up and stagger to the bathroom, where he barfed copiously.

How could he barf up so much?

Whatever. He stood and turned to go back to his room, but halway to the bathroom door, he crumpled to the floor. (AN: Hey, that rhymes! Halfway to the bathroom door/He crumpled to the floor. COOL!) Sanji was out cold, AGAIN.

--Tis one of my awesome lines--

Nami was in her room, sitting still and staring at the wall. She couldn't believe what had happened. Sanji could have died. It was her fault. A tear leaked over her cheek and hit the ground, splashing.

"I could have killed Sanji. He could have died." Was all that was in her thoughts. A knock on her door startled her, and she called, "Come in." Wiping off her face quickly.

She was suprised to see Zoro come into the room, one arm rubbed red. She wondered briefly what happened.

"Nami? I can hear you talking out loud. It isn't your fault, Sanji smoked and blamed it on some mysterious friend. Don't get all weepy on us." This, rather than comforting the girl, made her break down into total sobfest and cry like there was no tomorrow.

"He-he-he... d-d-d-did have a friend give it to him..."

"WHAT?! Someone on this ship hurt our crap-chef like that?!"

Nami nodded.

"GRRR! They KNEW Sanji couldn't resist! Those... those... CREEPS! I need to find them, and make them pay. Big time." It was scary how intense his voice was on the last words. "Do you know who it is? How do you know, anyway?"

The weeping girl brushed the tears from her eyes and smiled weakly.

"I know because it was me."

Zolo sat down on the floor, staring at her. "You. You put out a cigarette pack for him? Knowing he was stupid enough to catch himself on fire?!"

"He's not always stupid enough. I... used gunpowder. And a timed fuse." Nami's fragile body was shaking with sobs. "And now he's sick, during a freezing storm, and it's my fault!"

"Nami. Nami. Nami. I cannot believe what you did." Zolo banged his head on the wall as a freezing wind blew through the open door. "Oh crap! Sanji must be freezing by now-"

"Why do you care so much about whether he even lives?" Nami asked.

"Because... he's my nakama. And therefore, no matter how much I hate him, he's also my friend." The swordsman, with his eyes bright with unshed tears, left the room, not bothering to close the door behind him.

Nami sank onto the bed, and sighed.

Nakama.

Shipmates.

Friends.

As soon as possible, she had to apologize to Sanji.

END.

AN: Whoo, Nami gets angsty! I think Nami is just begging to have angsty stories written about her.


	20. Which involves vomit and bathroom doors

Sanji's Troubles

Chapter Twenty.

Zoro left the room, feeling deeply aggravated with the world. Why did everything keep on getting in his way? Ah well. Upon finding Sanji's room empty, he walked over to the bathroom and knocked on the door. No response, which meant that Sanji was probably not in there. Before leaving, though, he decided to try the knob.

Locked? That's odd... Aw, crap.

"HEY! IDIOTBAKASTUPIDBISSONDALDAFACE!!"

Inside the room he heard Sanji groan and utter a few profanities before asking groggily, "Why the hell am I in a bathroom?"

"You tell me! Either you're constipated, or just passed out."

"I am NOT constipated!"

"Then get out of there!"

"I... can't."

"You ARE constipated, aren't you...?"

"NO! I just... can't move."

"...Oh. Crap." How to get Sanji out of the bathroom?

"...Ahm. Help would be nice."

For a moment, the swordsman considered asking Luffy for a spare key to the bathroom. Nah. That would be too logical, and not at all fun.

"I know you can't move, but make an effort to get far away from the door."

"Agh! Don't do-"

KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!

The green headed man sat there, face rather apologetic, after slicing the door into a million little splinters. "Don't do what?"

Sanji made a feeble effort to bang his head on the wall, but only twitched instead. "...Blow the door into a million little splinters."

Zolo shrugged. "Ah, well, what's done is done."

"..."

"What?"

"You do realize that the bathroom has no door, do you?"

"...Oh."

"Yeah, marimo. Not your best move."

"You do know I came over here to save you from freezing?"

"But it's so hot?!"

"No, Sanji. It's freezing."

The blonde blinked. "Ah, I hate fevers."

"Anyway, you should feel cold in a little bit, if we're unlucky."

"Why would me recovering from a fever and feeling normal be unfortunate?!"

"Why do you think?"

"..."

"Yup. I still hate you, ugly-bissonated-chef-thing."

"Good. Now, can you help me get to my room?!"

"Maybe."

Sanji looked very pathetic. "Come on, please?"

"Fine." Zolo groaned and picked up Sanji by the arm.

"OW! Be gentle with me!" (AN: Ha, ha. If you get the joke, you get a cookie.)

"FINE." The green-head adjusted his grip so he was holding Sanji in his arms, which was slightly more comfortable.

"Thank you, marimo."

"You... HUFF HUFF... are... n-n-not welcome. GEEZ. Go on a diet!"

Sanji was quiet for the rest of the trip nack to the bedroom, where Zolo collapsed to the floor, moaning. Èven now, he was too tired to say anything. So they sat and glared at eachother for about ten minutes without blinking or even moving one muscle.

"I hate you." The chef said, breaking the silence.

"I hate you more."

"Good. Let's keep it that way."

"It's a deal. Now go to sleep, bisson."

"No. I'm not sleepy."

Zoro didn't answer, he just sighed and shook his head. "By the way, about how you caught on fire? It wasn't your fault."

"Stop trying to make me feel nice and fuzzy before I fall to sleep!"

"No, really. Nami did it. She used gunpowder and lit you on fire."

"..."

"I know you don't believe me, but it's true!"

"..."

"Sanji, please, I know she's pretty, but she did do that. Really."

"..."

"Sanji?"

"..."

"Yoo hoo?"

"..."

"SANJI!"

"..."

"Oh God, can you talk?"

"..."

"AUGH! Are you breathing?!"

"..."

"Speak to me! Come on, SAY SOMETHING!"

"..."

"AUGGGGHHHHH!! You AREN'T breathing!!"

"..."

"Ok, one more chance. Talk to me now, or I have to do CPR."

"..."

"Ew."

After a few moments of rescuative breathing, the blonde's limp body started inhaling again, and Zolo went to go barf. Unfortunetely, the door was non-existant, so Zeff, who had just finished a huge breakfast, had to go join Zolo in vomiting for a bit. The green head glared and returned to Sanji's room, where Sanji was staring blankly at a wall, doing nothing, but thankfully breathing.

Or perhaps, unthankfully.

"Sanji. It's me, Zolo. Are you in there? Is anyone home?!"

"...huhhh?"

"SANJI!"

The blonde was very suprised to be violently hugged almost to death and by his mortal enemy weren't mortal enemies supposed to hate you or something yeah that was it Nami hated her mortal enemies oh Nami oh no don't think about Nami think about kitchens and oceans and food and what was I thinking oh right why is Zolo hugging me it's not like he's my friend...

Oh. He is my friend.

The confused chef cheerfully made an attempt to hug back the joyful swordsman, and blinked. "Wh-whazz happenin'?"

"Well, you almost died. You weren't breathing or moving or anything. And then I had to... erm, ahem... CPR, and then I barfed, and I came back, and you were breathing fine. You know the rest."

"Ohhh..." Pretty girl plus heinous crime equals does not compute.

"Y-you scared me Sanji. I'm never ever tellin' ya big news again."

"Ohhhh- kayyyy." I think I'm in a state of shock... he thought.

"Ok. Now, go to sleep."

"Ohhh. Kay." Sanji dutifully closed his eyes and smiled.

END.

AN: SANJI'S IN SHOCK! WOOT! Poor little man... (tears)

Sanji: (backing away in horror) You... freaky author.

Zo-zo chan: You are deluded, WK. Seriously- OMFG, what did you do to my sentence?! You dare call me demeaning nicknames?! GRRRR. I can't wait for this to end.

Sanji: Me... too.

Me: Hey, StrawberryxXxKitty-san(sorry I messed uo your username, Your reviews aren't coming to my email! GRR! So, I'll reply here. You get to see the apology next chappie. :D


	21. In which Nami has more angst

Sanji's Troubles

Chapter 21.

Nami sighed. How to make Sanji accept what she was going to say? How could she even try to convince him how sorry she was?

The only answer was,

She couldn't.

There was no way to make up for what she had done.

But she still had to try.

The red head decided to sort out her thoughts. She wondered, what exaclty is the difference between friendship, nakama, love, and lust? Aren't they the same thing? But no, they weren't, really.

After a few moments of contemplation, she had definitions.

Friendship- A liking of somebody. You trust them.

Nakama- Your shipmates and crew, who you protect and they protect you. Like a very powerful friendship.

Lust- Obsessive desire for someone.

Love- ...

What was love? She knew about crushes, and family love, and stuff like that, but she was thinking of the word if you stripped away family loyalty and lusty emotions. All that you had left was a pure, simple devotion and caring for someone. That was how the crew felt about eachother. They loved everyone, no matter how much they were always fighting. The whole crew loved one another.

Nami thought she understood now. Love didn't have to be dates and kisses, it just meant deep caring. And she deeply cared for the whole ship.

And... they care for me! I can't believe how I let them all down, especially Sanji, who lusts after practically every female he sees, but actually loves everyone on the ship!

Now I know what I have to say.

She pulled out a small tablet of paper and began scribbling down a poem, and placed the finished product next to Sanji's bed.

--ONE OF MY AWESOME LINES!--

Sanji woke up and immidiately was freaked out. Oh no. Where was he?! Calm down, Sanji. You're in your bed. Right.

Once he had established that, he relaxed, and sighed. Until he noticed the paper that said, "To Sanji from Nami."

Ooh! A love letter? For some reason the name Nami made him feel bad, but he wouldn't let himself remember why. The blonde started reading greedily.

**LOVE. **

**By Nami. **

**If one hears the word LOVE, they always must, **

**First of all, think of Lust. **

**But Lust is not what the speaker is meaning, **

**The listeners say, Friendship, then, right, is how this is leaning? **

**No, I say, I mean LOVE. **

**Love? Lust? Friendship? **

**No. LOVE means you will protect a person you care about. LOVE means your Nakama. LOVE means I'm sorry, for all I do wrong. LOVE is not Lust. **

**It's LOVE. **

**Sanji, we all LOVE you on this ship. Please forgive me for the horrible things I've done. **

**Your Friend, **

**Nami. **

Sanji stared at the paper, rather dissapointed it wasn't really the type of love letter he'd been expecting. Though, according to Nami's theory, what he wanted was more of a lust letter. He was suprised by how heartfelt it was though, even though he didn't want to remember what she was apologizing for.

All of a sudden, he remembered.

The chef was going into shock again. But because of Nami's apology, this time he remembered to breathe.

--LINE--

Luffy skipped cheerfully into Sanji's room, and jumped up on the bed, yelling, "HI SANJI!!"

"..."

"Aw, you're in shock AGAIN?!"

"N-n-no. Just... yeah. I'm in shock."

"Sanji, you're sick! You got a DISEASE!"

"I kn-kn-know."

"I mean, you're really sick."

"I. Know."

"We have to keep you in a warm room where you can be kept happy and warm!"

"...Oh."

"Me, you, Zolo, and Usopp sleep here. Nami sleeps in her own dumb room, and Zeff can sleep anywhere he feels like."

"I want to sleep anywhere I feel like!"

"But you can't."

"Ah, um, why?"

"I don't know."

"..."

"Well, it'll be fun!"

"What. Ever."

"Sanji, I'm real sorry I traumatized you."

"WHATEVER."

Luffy decided that rather than try the infamous number thirty six, he would do number seventy two instead. "Can I hug you, Sanji?"

"Fine."

"Anyway, we don't have to move in with you till tonight, when it's gonna get cold."

"Ok." Luffy read the poem, scanning over the words, bored until he finally got the point. "Hey! Nami's poem is true! I don't have lu-loo-luh-um, loost fot anyone, but I love my nakama!" Luffy hugged Sanji and skipped away, yelling that Usopp had better make some steak 'cause Sanji sure ain't gonna be in cooking shape any time soon.

END.

AN: I want a pet armadillo. Can you pleeeeeeease review chapter seventeen? Cause I like the number seventeen. It's a sexy number.


	22. Deja Vu with Zeff!

Sanji's Troubles

Chapter 22

Sanji blinked. What. Was. Going. On.

Every single member of the crew was in his room. Spazzing out. Yelling at him to go to sleep.

Yeah, sleep. A little something I've been doing all day people! Now, I'm not tired. A slow grin came across Sanji's pale face as an idea occured to him.

But you all are.

--ONE OF MY LINES--

"What? You... need... another.. d-d-drink?" Zoro, Nami, and everyone else was either a)exhausted, or b) Zeff. Zeff was asleep in the storage room, away from the noise. And Sanji was making noise like a maniac, asking for help with this, that, and all of the above.

"Yes! I can't breathe! I need a drink!"

"..."

"Please?"

"Oh. Kay. We're shleepy."

"Goo- I mean, oh. You can go to bed after I'm ready."

"..."

--LINEY LINEY LINE!!--

Finally, at around four in the morning, they were all dead asleep. Except for him. "Finally..." he whispered, in pure ecstasy. Sanji dressed quickly and left the room, floorboards creaking as he did so. He walked quickly to the dinghy, and climbed in, lowering the ropes slowly, giggling like a little kid. Finally.

--TWO HOURS LATER--

The blonde climbed back on to the boat, smiling brightly. He was looking at the stars, all of them looked so... friendly. He decided to go back to bed and wait until the tomorrow night for phase two of his marvelous plan. Zoro, who was partially awake, gave Sanji an odd look and asked, "Where were you?"

"Uhm, just wanted some fresh air."

"Whateversh..."

"None of your concern, my sleeping swordsman! NONE OF YOUR CONCERNS!" Ah, perhaps he had been a bit too loud there. Every member of the crew blearily looked at him, and started yelling profanities, except for Nami. She still felt guilty, and didn't seem to want to make things worse, though everyone had either not known about what she did or forgiven her. I love the sensitive ones... thought the blonde, smiling. Though it was harder to smile when all of your crew members wanted to murder you.

"Ahm. I'll just be going, now."

Everyone banged their heads on air.

Sanji went to try and sleep in the kitchen, though it was hard, knowing what he had. He had them. THEM. THEM. THEM. THEMTHEMTHEMTHEMTHEMTHEMTHEMTHEM!! His hand shivered and reached for his pocket, but he tried to resist. It didn't work. Finally he bit down hard on his arm and forcibly closed his eyes, trembling with anticipation. He'd make himself wait a night. A whole day, and, then, !!

He giggled before finally dropping into oblivion, where he stayed until early evening the next day.

--TIS A LINE--

Somehow, being in control made it easier to resist. He could have THEM if he wanted, but he didn't. HE was in control. And that was a good feeling, because, well, Sanji wasn't in control of much anymore...

The evening went by, people ate Nami's slightly poisonous salad and Zeff's delicious steak, and sat around, not really paying attention to Sanji's jittery manic behaviour. Sanji waited impatiently, listened to Luffy snore, listened until the only sounds were sleep talkers and semi-concious yawns.

It. Was. Time!!

--ZEFF POV!!--

I couldn't sleep. Not because I was worried about eggplant head. For... other reasons. Right. Though eggplant had been acting strange. Well, strange for him. Which was other people's definition of scarily freakyness. So when I heard his bedsprings creak, and tiptoeing feet, there was no reason not to follow quietly behind. For a minute I couldn't find where he had gone, but then I saw him, huddled next to a wall. Closer examination revealed that Sanji was very, very, very happy. And on a nicotine high.

Never, in all my years, have I seen someone chain smoke three or four packs of cigarettes, one after the other. I hope I never do again. I guess I didn't interrupt him because he was happy, and, well, Sanji was never happy lately. His eyeballs were all glmmery, as he lit each ciggie with the one before it. Even when each one was burnt out, and the ground was littered with stubs, he still looked happy. To my disgust, the crap-head picked up each stub and sucked on it, and licked the boxes, actually eating a piece of cardboard. Until absolutely everything was ruined and used up, and totally devoid of tobacco. The eggplant stood up and dropped every piece of evidence into the water, leaving no trace, other than a few burned places on the deck, of his midnight indulgence. I stared incredulously at Sanji's arched back as he bent over the rail and looked out at the ocean. It took me a minute to notice his hands were clutching the rail tightly, and that his shoulders were shaking.

Oh, crap.

Of course, he started crying, bawling like the little crap baby eggplant he was. I stood back in the shadows, not really sure what to do. Sanji kept sniveling, and looked miserable. I sighed and walked over to Sanji, who showed no suprise. He probably knew I was there all along.

"Z-zeff?"

"That's me."

"I-I-I broke my promise."

"Huh?"

"I-I wasn't gonna smoke no more, remember?"

"...Yeah..."

"And I broke my promise!" At this point the blonde started crying in earnest. If I thought he was bawling before, well, scratch that. He stared at me, with an expression so much like when he was a kid. Scary. In all these years, he hadn't grown up at all. Without warning he buried his face in my coat, getting snot all over me. Yuck. I awkwardly patted his back, as he cried and cried and cried until my shirt was soaked. I just stood there for ages, letting him ruin my nice pajamas and remembering how he had been as a child.

--BEGIN FLASHBACK--

Young Sanji buried his face in Zeff's waist, being too short to reach his shoulder. "WHAAAAAAAA! WHAAAAAAA! WHAAAAAAAA!"

--END FLASHBACK--

Some people just never change. "Sanji? Saaaaaanji? Anyone home?"

"Mmm?" Sanji was still clinging to me like a baby opossum. Hey, a new nickname. Whoop de do.

"Don't cry. It's... ok, it's not alright. But seriously. Quit sniveling."

He nodded, still looking like a little kid. Suddenly I felt exhausted. "Ok. If you stop crying, you can sleep in my room, and I'll make you cookies tomorrow."

Again, he nodded, very enthusiactically. I walked back to my room, Sanji clinging on my sleeve, feeling a huge sense of deja vu.

--ANOTHER FLASHBACK!--

"Sanji? SANJI! STOP CRYING!"

"B-b-b-bbbb...!"

"Ok. I'll give you cookies."

Instantly the blonde child's face lit up and he quit crying. "Yay! Can I sleep in your room? So I don't have another bad dream?"

"...Fine."

--END FLASHBACK--

The blonde no-longer-a-child curled up in the bed, yawning. I was almost asleep when he said drowsily, "Zeff?"

"What is it? I'm tired. Go to sleep."

"Thank you. Me too. Ok."

Yup. Deja Vu. But it wasn't nessecarily such a bad thing.

END.

AN: Whoo! Touchy-feely deja vu!!

Zeff: ...O.O

Sanji: ...O.O

Both: RUN AWAY!

Me: Waaaaaahhhh! You can't leave! I need... you... to... (crickets chirp)

Me: ...This blows. REVIEW!!


	23. Flashbacks Galore

AN: Yes, I know that flashbacks are annoying. And I know that the whole plot of hair and eyes is overused, but I came up with it myself. I swear upon it! Fanfictioners think alike. We all came up with it on our own.

TO xXStrawberryKittyXx-san: Yeah! I've always thought that Zeff really did care... somewhere, deep inside those big moustaches, there is a nice person...

Sanji's Troubles

Chapter Twenty Threeeeeeee!! WOOT!!

Sanji was still just a little kid on the inside, it seemed. Nothing more, nothing less. Not nessecarily a bad thing, except, well, when he had freaky little kid melodramatic moments. He tended to try and hide how he felt, to be perfect all the time. But he'd always been like that...

BEGIN FLASHBACK ONE!!

"Sanji?"

"Yeah, geezer?"

"Why do you wear your hair like that? Covering half your face, I mean."

The little boy was silent, first going pale and looking truly worried, then flushing and sullenly saying, "No reason."

"You're a terrible liar. Some ditzy chick told you it looked good on you, didn't she?"

"N-n-no. There's no reason." Zeff could tell that there was a reason other than a girl's thoughtless praise, and sighed.

"Sanji, you can tell me. I swear I won't tell anyone."

"NO. There's no reason!" The blonde shook his head back and forth vigorously, clutching the plate he was rinseing so hard it looked like it would break.

"Don't break that plate!"

"I WON'T!" The plate broke, cutting Sanji's hand. "OW!"

"Baka! Clean that up, and don't you dare bleed in my food."

Sanji muttered in annoyance, but cleaned up the shattered pieces and washed his hand, bandaging it carefully. Curious. Why did he wear his hair like that? It wasn't just a fashion statement. Was it?

That night, Zeff lay in bed, feeling deeply annoyed. He shouldn't care about Sanji's hair. But he was the type to worry about very obscene things. And he could not fall asleep until he figured them out. He was roused from his pensive thoughts on hair by someone knocking on the door. "If it's Sanji, you can't come in unless you're dying. If it's a customer, restrooms are not in here. Try across the hall."

"It's me. I-I can't sleep."

"So you aren't on the brink of death? That's too bad. Alright, fine, come in. But don't make ANY noise or I'll literally kick you out."

Sanji opened the door and tiptoed as quietly as possible over to the bed, where he sat on the floor, pouting. "Why do ya wanna know about my hair, anyway?"

"I'm curious. And really, whoever told you it looked good on you was kinda wrong."

"...Nobody said it looked good."

"Then why do you even wear it like that?!"

"Because... because... because..."

"...You really can tell me."

"Ok. F-fine. I wear my hair like this because... because..." He stopped, and shook his head again.

"...Seriously, eggplant. Tell me, or I'm going back to sleep."

Without warning the blonde switched on the light and pulled back his hair, crying. "Because I have a scar there!"

"...That's it?"

"...But it's a big scar! And it's ugly."

"..."

Sanji continued crying, obviously beside himself with sadness.

"Sanji, it's ok. Scars are everywhere. And your's is ok, I mean, it isn't oozing pus or anything." It actually was a pretty big scar, but it didn't look THAT bad... though if he was a ten year old with self esteem issues, he might think differently.

"But... at my old ship, they said it was ugly."

"They were wrong. You look fine with a scar. But you can keep your hair like that if you want. It's really ok, Sanji. Thank you for telling me."

"You're... welcome. Can I sleep in here?"

"...Fine. But no snoring!"

END FLASHBACK. WE'RE IN ZEFF POV.

I stared at Sanji, who was snoring, as usual, the way he always did. Poor kid. He really gets upset about little things, but it's part of his charm. If baby oppossum-eggplants can be charming. And the eggplant-opossum really did try. Try to fit in and do things properly, to be liked.

The idiot.

And now I couldn't sleep.

--TIS A LINE--

Usopp could not sleep either. He was really worried about Sanji. The chef was, well, manic. And losing what little remained of his sanity rapidly. "Hey! Luffy! Captain, wake up!"

"Mff?"

"Captain, is Sanji outside?"

"Nnnn."

"Do you remember when you first saw him, and you knew right away, how he was the right chef?"

"Mmm-hmmm."

"And then, he was on our ship, and tried to teach you and me to cook..."

FLASHBACK NUMBAH TWO!! USOPP STYLE.

"Sanji! SANJI! HELP! THE BUTTER'S ON FIRE!!"

"How the hell did you light butter on fire when you were chopping vegetables?!"

"I DON'T KNOW!! HEEEEEELP!"

Sanji put out the fire and glared at Usopp. "First Luffy, now you. WHY CAN'T YOU EVEN TRY TO COOK?!" He fell to his knees, and banged his head on the wall. "GAAAH!"

Usopp and Luffy stared in sympathy, not sure what to do. "I'm sorry, Sanji!" Luffy shouted, and ran out of the kitchen.

"S-s-sanji?"

"What do you want, scum?! You've ruined yet another part of my kitchen."

"I'm sorry."

"Beat it. Let me mourn in peace."

Usopp sighed and knelt down next to Sanji. "Really really sorry." He gave Sanji a hug, and braced himself for kicking death.

"..."

"..."

"Alright. Apology accepted. IF you clean up this mess!"

"Aye aye sir!" Usopp grinned as he did the chores, glad to be forgiven.

END FLASHBACK.

"Luffy... we have to do something nice for him. Like, really nice."

He went over to Nami, and poked her until she sat up. "NAMI! WAKE UP. What's your favorite memory of Sanji?"

"WTF?! DID HE DIE?!"

"No... we're just talking."

"Ok... I have one."

--FLASHBACK NUMERO TRES!! NAMI'S TURN!!--

Sanji giggled insanely. "I've cooked a delicious cake! Just for you!" (swoon, swoon.)

Nami blushed lightly, rather embarassed by the attention. She didn't really listen as Sanji prattled on about icing and batter and how brown eggs were more sweet than whippings or something.

"...this covers the money I owe you, right? Anyway, it's lemon extract that you should always use to get that slightly spicy-"

"SANJI! THIS DOES NOT COVER THE MONEY!"

"..." The chef looked crushed, and recovering from the rare silent moment, whispered, "Even though I used lemon extract?"

"Darn the lemon extract! Quit trying to buy me off!"

"B-b-but Nami Swan..."

She banged her head on the wall, in a terrible mood. "NO."

"..."

"Go away."

Sanji slumped, and walked away, looking despondent as he always did when Nami was in a bad mood. A few moments before he walked into the cabins, Nami called out, feeling guilty, "WAIT!"

"Yeah...?" He looked like he was expecting a deathblow. She was suprised to see how nervous Sanji was around girls... get back on track, Nami. Alright.

"This cake looks delicious, but I don't think I can eat it all myself. Will you help me?"

It was worth the annoying romantic behaviour and cook-talk to see the flash of pure happiness on the chef's face.

"Of course, my lovely! Here I come!"

--END FLASHBACK 3--

"Nami! You care more about money than you do about anything else..." Usopp shook his head. Zolo nodded succinctly, never one to rant on and on about things. Unless he was in a ranting mood, of course.

"I WANT TO TELL MINE."

"Fine, Luffy. Just do it quietly."

--FLASHYBACKY FOUR!! SEEMS LUFFY DOES HAVE MEMORIES!!--

A streak of silvery lightning cracked open the sky, as Luffy shivered beneath the covers. He had just been jerked out of a horrible nightmare by the sound of booming thunder, and was currently making little whimpering noises, terrified. A tear rolled down his face and soaked into the mattress, where it was soon joined by several more. The next streak of lightning lit up the whole room, with grumbling growling utterly terrifying thunder following within seconds. The boat tipped back and forth, and Luffy found himself sliding out of bed and hitting the cold boards of the floor. He winced at the skinny splinters embedded in his legs and curled up into a ball.

As the ship continued to pitch, Luffy slid/rolled from back to front to side to back to side to front to... ugg. He finally got up the nerve to stand up and make his way to the door, opening it slowly. It creaked. Oh, it creaked. Just like in his dream... No. He would be safe. He'd go to the kitchen. And eat something. Food. Right. Yes!

And so the captain wandered down the halls, tipping over at times, trying to get to the kitchen.

"LUFFY! GET TO YOUR ROOM!" A foot kicked him in the head, sending his already unsteady body crashing on to the floor.

"OW!" Luffy screamed really loudly, and extremely high pitched, curled up on the floor looking terrified and cowering.

"...Luffy? Are you... ok?"

No answer other than whimpering.

"Ok, I'm sorry if I scared you. Now, why were you stealing food anyway?"

"...I was hungry." This answer gained another light kick in the face, which made him scream again.

"LUFFY. You have to stop that. I'm not scary! I'm... ok, I'm scary. But really! I won't hurt you or anything..." The chef, looking silvery and black in the weird light, knelt down on the floor next to Luffy and patted his captain's head softly. "It's seriously ok."

Luffy curled up on the floor, very tired and emotionally exhausted from all the frightening things from the last few moments. He curled up and said very quietly, "I had a really, really scary dream."

"...Oh. I had a bad dream too. It's ok, Luffy."

"But it felt so real!"

"Dreams are like that." Sanji sighed. "Ok. Tell you what. How about you can come sleep in the kitchen? We can guard it from everyone."

"Yeah! But first make me cocoa!"

"...Ok. I'll make us both hot cocoa, and then we can sleep. Ok?"

"YEAH!!"

"Good. I'll race ya to the kitchen!" The two friends ran, tripping over something every two seconds, off towards hot cocoa and finally sleep...

--END FLASHBACK--

"...The only reason that's your favorite memory is because you got to drink cocoa."

"Nuh-uh! It's because I got to sleep in... the... KITCHEN!" Luffy giggled.

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Who's next?"

"Um, I think we've all gone..." Said Zoro.

"You haven't!"

"Ahm. Ahm."

"Tell us! TELL US!"

"...FINE. Just shut up."

--NUMBAH FIVE, ZO-CHAN's FLASHBACK!--

The green headed swordsman sat on the floor of his room, annoyed beyond belief. Where the hell were his swords? At first he had blamed Luffy, then turned to yell at Nami, but neither of them were the culprits. Usopp was too... goal oriented... to go after Zoro. Which left the chef? Odd. Why would the chef take them? All the same, it gave him an excuse to attack the dumb bisson-headed... poop. Sanji was a poop.

Whatever. He wandered towards the kitchen, glaring at everything that moved, and some things that didn't. Ah, he would kill Sanji. Sweet, sweet revenge. At that thought he started glaring a little less, and grinned in a not-at-all friendly way. Finally he reached the kitchen, and flung open the door, revealing the chef, a can of polish, and his swords.

"What the-?"

"Suprised?"

"Why the hell do you have my swords?!"

"I'm polishing them. What else?"

"..."

"So... you want them back, right?"

"HELL YEAH."

"Geez. You could thank me! I just did the whole polishing for you!"

"...Fine. Thank you. NOW GIVE THEM BACK OR I'LL KILL YOU."

"Wait. I'm not done. There's stil a ton of grease and-"

"GET OFF OF MY SWORDS!!"

"...Ok." Sanji sighed and handed over the three swords, grinning. "I just wanted to wish you a happy marimo birthday."

"It's my birthday?!"

"Um. No. You never told us your birthday, so I decided to make it today."

"Oh. Thanks. That's... odd."

"Now go away, idiot. I'm busy."

Zoro nodded and left, in a much better mood. Well, that was unexpected. He decided to never ever tell the crew his birthday. That way they could suprise him any day of the year.

--END FLASHBACK.--

"And the only reason you like that one is because someone else cleaned your dumb swords for you!"

"DUMB?!"

"Ahm. My mistake."

"Dang right. You'd better not make any more mistakes."

"Ok! I won't!"

"GUYS. We need to get back on track. What will we do for Sanji?"

"Um. I don't know."

"..." Everyone stared at eachother, blankly wondering what to buy.

"I KNOW!"

"What is it, Luffy?"

"Candy cigarettes. They'll help him stop smoking!"

"Luffy... hey. That might work. Ok. We buy Sanji candy cigarettes."

"YEAH!"

Zeff opened the door, where he had been eavesdropping for the last few minutes. "He's dead asleep. We have lots of time."

"DUDE. That was a private conversation."

"I know. But Sanji is everyone's beezwax, not just your's. Let's go!!"

END.

AN: What will happen next?! Give me reviews and you shall find out.

OMG!! I'M GONNA READ BREAKING DAWN TODAY AT MIDNIGHT!! (dances manically!)

Sanji: WTF? No, this is too weird for WTF. This is an FTW.

Zo-chan: NO. FTW means, well, screwing with random variables.

Everyone: Huh?

Me: That's an in-joke. If you can figure it out, good job! If you can't, it means you are a sane person. Like, who has better things to do.

Oh, and btw, do you think I'm sadistic because I dressed my old barbies from when I was a kid as GI Joes? With removable fatigues made of masking tape and paper towels? And then I made them fight to the death over Denmark, and a huge supply of Shonen Jump Graphic Novels!! Random. Oh yeah. They all died except for one.

Sanji: MELLORINE! Those are some VERY revealing fatigues! Whoooo! GO RHODA! Remove your removable fatigues!

Me: ...Review!


	24. In which Zoro's favorite shirt is ruined

AN: Nooo! Everyone likes my story. I have never gotten a flame. WOE. WOE. WOE.

TAO REN'S HAIR IS POINTY!! :D I don't even like Shaman King that much. I just have developed an odd obsession with... Tao Ren's hair. And Horohoro has dark blue spiky hair. Which is odd no matter how you look at it.

Sanji's Troubles.

Chapter 24.

A word of advice: If you are captain of an insomniac crew and want to buy candy cigarettes at three in the morning, try not to swear at the top of your lungs when the candy shops are closed.

Especially when you are on a street which is densely populated by old ladies and three year olds.

Other than learning the hard, painful, smacked-by-an-umbrella-and-preached-at way to follow that advice, the Strawhats-plus Zeff-minus Sanji managed to buy what they needed easily.

"Oww. My head." Usopp clutched a huge handbag-shaped bruise on his forehead and moaned.

"Oww. My arm." Luffy cradled his fist which had been stabbed by a brutal old lady wielding a five-inch hatpin.

"Oww. My back." Zeff rubbed his back, grateful that the elderly woman who had attacked him hadn't had a very heavy umbrella.

"Oww. My... ahwh! Feet!" Nami limped along, her feet both injured by a heavy dictionary.

"Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww..." Zoro moaned and hobbled along next to them. Apparently old ladies found the swordsman a "hooligan" and thought that he deserved to be almost killed. After patiently trying to get away without killing anyone for about five minutes, he knocked them all out with the flat of his blades. Except for the hatpin lady, who jumped on him and started ripping his hair off and calling him "Cheeky" and "Demon Child" and quoting very violent bible passages.

He hadn't been very gentle when he knocked HER out.

But the point is, they had gotten Sanji the candy cigarettes. And, as dawn broke over the eastern hills, they returned to the ship victorious.

"Luffy?"

"Yeah, Zo?"

"I am never ever ever ever going on a misson that has anything to do with the elderly again."

"Me neither."

"Good."

They arrived back at the ship, and tiptoed to Zeff's room, where Sanji slept, still oblivious. Zolo poked him, and got no result other than his finger being tightly clung to. He blushed and pulled his hand away, glaring at the sleeping chef.

"Mellorine... Nami-Swan... ahhh bikini!" Sanji seemed to be having a very... ahem... dream.

Nami joined Zoro in the glaring, while Zeff picked Sanji up by his shirt and they followed him as he deposited the chef in his own bedroom. The blonde continued limply professing his love of Nami's bikini, until she slapped him and left the room, fuming.

"!!"

(Snore, Snore, "Ahhh... what a beautiful sunset!")

"How did he sleep through that?" Whispered Luffy, eyes wide.

"I don't know."

"Ah well. To bed, everyone!"

--LINE--

Sanji opened his eyes in the morning, and blinked twice. The events of last night came back violently clear into his head, and he winced. Ahhh. That wasn't very prudent of him. At least Zeff had promised to make cookies.

Cookies. Yeah. He should get up. It was late. And Zeff had personally told them that he would never make breakfast again.

(insert moaning and groaning)

Sanji was not a morning person.

He never had been.

And never, ever, never would be.

EVER.

After mentally explaining using colorful language to every person he knew that he was not a morning person, the blonde chef stood up and yawned.

He still was not a morning person.

But he staggared on down to the kitchen anyway, where he started cracking eggs and whipping them, for no apparent reason. Maybe he wanted to make eggnog? Or perhaps creamy custard? We shall never know, because at that instant, he tripped and fell on the floor, runny whipped eggs drenching his hair, and dribbling down his face.

"Aw, -CENSORED-! -censored- -censored- -censored- (explitive deleted) -censored- DING DONG Cuckoo! Cuckoo! -censored- (Expletive deleted) (REMOVED) -censored- -CENSORED- IT!!"

(Insert shocked silence from his Nakama)

He sighed and started wiping the eggs off of his face, growling more profanities as he did so. To his credit, the chef did not repeat a word once. The blonde sighed as he removed the yolk from his singed hair, wondering whether he would ever stop looking like crap.

Not likely.

Zoro stuck his head into the kitchen, and asked, politely, "Are you quite finished? Nami and Usopp are having trouble holding Luffy's ears."

"-censored- marimo face get the -censored- outta my -censored- -censored- kitchen!"

"Thought not. And after we went through all the trouble to get a present for you."

"-censored- -censored- -censored- -CENSORED- -CEEEEEEEENNNNNNSSSSSOOOOOORRRREEEEDDDDDDD-!!" That meant, in explicit language, I don't want a present.

The swordsman sighed and knelt down next to where the chef was already kneeling, and grabbed a dishtowel. "Your hair was bad enough before you started putting groceries in it."

"-censored- -censored- -censored- MFFF!"

Sanji's lates batch of curses was cut off as Zoro started trying to get the eggs out of the blonde's face, covering Sanji's mouth in the process. The chef glared at Zoro sullenly as his chin and nose were wiped off, then quickly became alarmed as the green haired man reached to clean off the hair that fell in his face.

SMACK!

"Ahh! What the-"

"Don't you ever dare touch my face again."

"Why? You seemed fine with it when you were sick."

"...Do you hear me?! I SAID NEVER AGAIN. EVER!" Sanji shook his head back and forth angrily, tears welling in his eyes.

"Are you ok? You seem kinda... freaked out."

"I SURE AS HELL AM. Don't you dare. EVER. EVER. EVER!" Of course he was freaked out. That side of his face was for him alone. He would never ever ever let anyone else see. Except for Zeff, who was practically a parent. And that crap-geezer didn't count.

"Sanji! Calm down. I didn't know you loved your hair so much. I promise never to touch your head again. Ok? Now, wipe yourself off. I won't have you getting egg yolk all over the place."

The blonde shook his head more, the tears that he had tried to hold back running down his cheeks. He hated Zolo so badly right now. But at the same time, he almost wanted to confide in him, to spill out all his feelings and finally reveal all his secrets.

That was a bad feeling. It gave him the nasty impression that the world was ending. And, as aforementioned, Sanji did not want the world to end.

Zoro patted his back, rather confused. "It's really ok. You aren't a morning person. That's fine. I'm sorry." The swordsman seemed quite distressed, though he did a good job of hiding it with an annoying-as-hell attitude.

"It isn't fine. I'm... sorry too." Sanji blushed, still crying a little.

"I mean, I seriously didn't mean anything. I was trying to help. I guess I screwed up, ne?"

"Eh. You screwed up like hell. I hate you. But I still had no excuse for getting so... pissed."

"You're a bisson."

"You're a marimo." Sanji started crying anew, but this time he was crying from something other than sadness and irrational fear.

"You're a- hey. You're crying!"

"Am not." Yeah. With rivers practically rolling down his face, that sure was believeable.

"...Sanji. I really am sorry!" Zoro hesitated, still not wanting to get, well, chef-cooties, then hugged Sanji in one of those half-hug-one-arm things. He expected Sanji to be pissed. What he did not expect was for the blonde to almost choke him to death by flinging his arms around Zoro's waist and sobbing into his shoulder. Zoro made a strangled squacking noise and turned a weird combination of deep violet, vivid red, chalky white, and sickly green at the same time. "ACK."

He patted Sanji's shoulder, and sighed. How fun. He gets to babysit the emotionally disturbed chef. Lucky me. The only thing to do in this situation seemed to be lying back against a counter and waiting for the idiot to stop crying.

He had never known that the expresson "a shoulder to cry on" was literal. Thinking it over, Zoro decided he wished he didn't. This happened to be his lucky white shirt that was getting covered in snot, you know. It was the shirt he had been wearing when he had met Luffy and been forced to join the crew. Simply put, this shirt had memories! He did NOT want it to become unwearable. Which it was quickly becoming.

Sanji showed no signs of stopping, continuing to bawl and bury his face on Zoro. On Zoro's LUCKY SHIRT. Grr. All the same, the swordsman was extremely worried. The chef was so deeply... upset. Normally nothing could rile him up this much. And nothing had ever, ever, EVER made him want to cry and ooze snot all over Zoro. The world must be ending. Zoro wasn't interested in the world coming to an end either. "Sanji. It's ok. Seriously. Just, please, don't cry." The chef gave no sign of having heard Zoro's request. If anything, he cried harder.

Wow. This was a very, very, very stupid moment in Zoro's life. He wasn't emotionally affected at all, of course. The tears welling in his own eyes were NOT from sympathy or desire to make Sanji happy. They were because... he wanted his lucky shirt to be ok. Right. He was worried about his clothes.

He was certanitly not caring at all for the blonde. He was definetely not feeling amiable, and like they were in some sort of friendship.

All he felt was...

A friendship.

Not just the after-affects of Luffy "cooking" onions and letting the steam waft through the whole ship.

As he sat on the floor, letting Sanji cry, Zoro admitted the truth to himself. He cared about the chef. He was Sanji's friend.

But that did not change the fact his favorite shirt was ruined.

END.

Me: Squee! The sparkly chapter!

Zoro: I don't have a favorite shirt.

Sanji: I... OMFG. You have a twisted fangirl mind, WK.

Me: Now, now. Be glad I don't make it yaoi. I could, you know. But instead I keep things nice and friendshipped.

Sanji: Ok. It IS better than yaoi. But still! (sticks out tongue)

Zoro: I was about to yell at you, WK. But on second thought... (hugs) I LOVE YOU! THANK GOD YOU AREN'T WRITING YAOI!

Me: (Falls to the ground in a happy daze) Dreams do come true...

Sanji: Hey. WK. Wake up! BREATHE!

Zoro: I thought you wanted this fic to end.

Sanji: Ah. I see. Very shrewd move, marimo. Now she's in a daze and will type nothing coherent for a very long time. YEAH! I LOVE YOU ZORO!

Zoro: (dies) AHHHHHHH! NOOOOOO! NOOOO!

Sanji: (realizing what he just said) AHHHHH! NOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (dies)

Zoro: (somehow revived for a moment) Copycat.

ALL OF US: Review! And Zeff will bake you cookies!

TO THE STICKLERS OUT THERE, yes, I did get the Eh/Ne slang straight out of Ender's Game. :P Hey. My brain is fried. Don't blame me!


	25. THE KITCHEN FLOOR!

AN: As of the moment, I am mostly recovered from the AN events of the last chapter, but still in my happy place... (drools) Ahhh! My day is bright indeed. Though at the moment I wrote that it was kinda night.

Sanji's Troubles

Chapter 25.

Sanji could not stop crying. No matter how hard he tried. The events of last night, last week, heck, the last few weeks... it was too much to bear. That was why he actually let down his guard for a while and sobbed into Zoro's shirt, getting snot all over his sleeves and even on his arm. At first the swordsman had been extrememly stiff and made a horrified choking noise, but he had eventually relaxed nad let Sanji cry on him. Which was highly embarassing.

And he still had crapping egg in his hair.

Maybe he shouldn't have been so harsh and angry when Zoro tried to wipe off the left half of his face. But still. His worst nightmare was the Strawhats finding out about his scar and thinking he was... ugly. Especially Nami. He had to look perfect for the ladies. It was nice being able to relax and cry for once. He was sick of holding in the tears when anyone was around. (Again, Zeff was the exception.) And it somehow felt wonderful to cry on your worst enemy, ruining their nicer shirts with snot. And it was the best feeling in the whole world to have a calloused hand pat you on the back, and hearing someone's voice echo through their chests as they said apologies and comforting sentences you couldn't really understand because of crying but made you feel better anyway. Especially when that person was your friend.

After a few more minutes, his tears subsided, and he stopped the bawling, instead simply sobbing harshly every few minutes. After even more minutes, he managed to give way to erratic breathing, and finally, he stopped crying all together, simply leaning on the -friend? enemy? um, person- in the kitchen. The one visible eye was red and puffy, and tearstains streaked down his face, leaving clean lines in the soot, egg, and crumbled wall plaster that covered Sanji's face.

"So, you're finished. Finally."

Sanji nodded, and sighed, finally back in control of himself.

"Are you sure you're alright, Sanji?"

He decided to try talking, despite the fact he knew his voice would be quavery and messed up from the sobbing. "I-I think so."

"Good." The swordsman sighed in relief, and Sanji guessed he was grinning. It was a guess because the chef had no particular desire to look up or remove his face from Zoro's shoulder.

"Um. Sanji? Care to tell me WHY you're so upset?"

"N-not r-really."

"I gathered that. But I would like to know. Maybe I can help?"

"N-no. You couldn't fix anything." Sanji sighed as well, less in relief, more in sadness.

"I bet I could. I'm a good..." What was the word? Hmm. Ah. That should do. "Fixer."

"Too b-bad."

"You need a shower."

"Nuh-uh."

"Actually, it's _yuh_-huh, Sanji. Since I'm not special enough to touch your face, you need to wash it yourself."

"Oh. Y-yeah. That makes sense."

Zoro sighed, making his chest rise and fall, Sanji's head rising and falling with it. "Are you really ok?"

"Y-yeah. I'm fine." The blonde blushed, annoyed to death. Why did the stupid marimo have to be his friend? And what exactly is a friend? Someone you confide in. Tell secrets to. Spend happy times with. So far, he hadn't exactly done any of those things with Zolo, but they seemed to have formed a friendship nontheless.

"No you aren't, Sanji. And you never will be until you tell us what's going on. We care, ok? As much as you piss me off, as much as I want to kill you, you're my friend. And I worry, sometimes."

"I am _s-SO _fine!" His shoulders shook and he curled up tighter and buried his face farther in Zoro's shirt. Who was he kidding? He wasn't fine. He hadn't been fine in ages. And Zoro seemd to actually care. They all cared. Every one of his crewmates cared.

"..." Zoro sighed yet again and stroked the back of Sanji's hair, humming to himself. As a child, people had comforted him like this. It made sense to try comforting Sanji in the same manner as he had been cared for. Though he doubted it would work, it did seem to get ero-cook to shut up. Geez. Some people didn't know when to quit throwing a tantrum. Nami peered in through the window, looking concerned. The swordsman gave her his bestest, scariest, most angryest MURDER-IS-ON-MY-MIND look and rolled his eyes. She stuck out her toungue and giggled, then turned and yelled something to the crew. He wasn't sure, but by the shape of her lips, Nami was either saying, "Enchiladas are attacking! Don't take my cell phone!" or "Zoro is taking care of Sanji. Leave them alone."

Hey, he never claimed to be a good lip reader.

"Zoro?"

"What now, Sanji?"

"...I'm sorry I ruined your shirt."

"Don't lie to me. I don't care about the shirt, but don't apologize unless you mean it."

"Ok. I promise. Um. Um."

"What?"

"Um..."

"What?!"

Sanji felt kind of like he was on the edge of an abyss. No, on a little strip of land that was going to crumble any minute. Uhm, crumb cake. He should make a crumb cake for Nami...

"Sanji? I feel really really... like I'm talking to myself. Are you in there, somewhere? Yoo hoo?"

"You... can wash off the eggs now." Sanji held extremely still, looking traumatized. Zolo gave him an odd look and contined washing off the huge amount of egg yolks. The chef closed his eyes and tried to hold still. As the green-haired-pissed-off-bored-annoyed-person-who-Sanji-disliked started cleaning his left hair, Sanji forgot to breathe.

As a consequence, he passed out and fell backwards onto the floor.

"Oi! You baka. Open your mouth and inhale." Zoro was in the middle of cleaning Sanji's face, and very irritated as a result- oh. So that's why Sanji wears his hair like that. The swordsman decided to show no sign other than his involuntary stiffening and finished his boring job.

Awkward silence. Sanji was quiet because he had just revealed his biggest secret. Zoro was quiet because he had a hangover and didn't want to make it worse by talking. Neither of them felt like talking, but decided that even a hangover/embarrassing moment was better than... more awkward silence. At the same time, they both said:

"I think that I-"

"Sanji are you-"

Another awkward silence.

"Um, I-"

"If you-"

Yet another awkward silence. This one lasted about thirty minutes before Zoro fell asleep, snoring like only he could. Sanji blinked, contemplated getting up and showering and generally having a normal morning, and changed his mind. The blonde chef closed his eyes and lay down on the floor, and it wasn't long before he was snoring just as loud as the swordsman.

--Nami POV--

Poor Zoro. Forced to babysit Sanji all day. Just now had been too funny, with Zoro being mauled by the weeping cook. She wondered idly whether Sanji was going to get better anytime soon.

Probably not.

But she could still hope, couldn't she? With a sigh, she headed back towards the kitchen, and peered in through the dusty window. Zoro was dead asleep, which was no suprise, but she was a little startled to see that Sanji was just as gone, with his head on Zoro's arm and legs randomly flung around the kitchen floor. Nami tapped the window, then decided to go inside. They looked so comfortable, even though the floor must be cold. She swept her fingers over it, and was suprised to see it was warm. Ah, yes. The kitchen was over the boiler room, was it not? She giggled at the thought of the kitchen being nicer to sleep in than a bed, and yawned. Nami was tired. Last night had been hard. She found herself lying down inbetween the two sleepers and curling up, not really aware of anything other than that the floor was warm, and it was very comfortable...

Oblivion.

--Usopp POV--

"Where IS Nami?" Usopp growled to himself. She had said she would be back with breakfast in a minute. And much more than a minute had passed. He groaned and stood, walking over to where the kitchen was. WHAT? She's ASLEEP?

Well, Nami looked... very happy, sleeping there. Almost pretty. Remember that he said almost. The money grabbing girl was too mean to be pretty. He sighed and opened the door, and knelt down next to the three oblivious sleepers. A very daring thought blossomed in his mind, which he quickly squelched. But it rose up again, and he realised that the floor was very warm. Why not? They were all asleep.

Blushing, Usopp crawled over to where Nami was, and lay down gently. Um. Ahem. He needed a pillow. He grinned as a solution came to him. He took Nami's and Sanji's arms and put them beneath his head, before he completely blanked out and fell into sleep.

--Luffy POV--

He yawned and glanced around, incredibly tired and bored. Where was everyone? He had looked in the storeroom, and in everyone's rooms. He had even looked overboard, just in case. But nothing. Finally, panting after running all over the ship, he reached the kitchen.

Ooh! There they were. All... asleep? It must be a slumber party. He jumped over to the group of people on the floor, and laughed. Luffy lay down sideways across everyone, his feet dangling off of Sanji and his head on Zoro.

If there was a record for fastest time to fall asleep, Luffy would have won it.

--Zeff POV--

As soon as Zeff figured out that Sanji wasn't making breakfast, he had been really mad. Dumb eggplant, making things difficult. He decided to go cook the meal himself, which he had ended up doing every single day. EVERY FREAKING DAY.

It did not improve his mood to find them all asleep. Though it was... cute. Kind of. He sighed, and went to Luffy's bed, pulling off the blanket, which he took to the kitchen and carefully put around the sleeping crew before grabbing a banana and heading to his own room to sleep and eat.

The banana was tasty, but let's skip through the meal. We shan't be bored with details.

As he closed his eyes, the image came back. All of them snoring, each and every one of them. Cuddled together like kittens. They all looked so happy...

Well, if they were happy, he'd be happy too.

So long as he could sleep.

END.

AN: OK. This is IMPORTANT.

To those of you who have read both Wicked Lovely and the Twilight series, who smells nicer: Edward or Keenan? O.O I lie awake at night wondering.

To those of you who have not, just imagine a guy who smells incrediby sweet and a little bit floral and makes you feel woozy, or a guy who smells like summer and makes you really dizzy to smell?

And to those who have read Shaman King manga, am I a lunatic to think that Faust VIII is awesome and hott? (though girly.)

And now, to the stupid conversation of the day:

Me: (woozy) Zo-zo Chan! Aaaaaaaah!

Zoro: ...

Sanji: ...

Faust: Yo.

Me: FAUSTY-WAUSTY!

Faust: What the-?

Me: I nicknamed every manga character. There's Sanji-wanji, Zozo-Chan, Floofy-Loofy, and Cabbage.

Sanji: Wait. Who's cabbage?

Me: Read One Piece volume two and look for an annoying, bissonated swordsman with weird hair.

Sanji: Huh? There's one of those right here. (points at Zo)

Me: No, a DIFFERENT one.

REVIEW, and good things shalt come to you.

Sanji: In other words, she's run out of prizes.


	26. Zoro gets happiness, Sanji gets cold

AN: ME BACK FROM VACATION! WHOOT!

Sanji: Oh dear lord, not back?

Zoro: Nooooooo. WHY COULDN'T YOU STAY ON VACATION?!

Me: I was too lonely for my Sanji and Zoro chans.

Both: That's a crap excuse. You just like torturing us.

Sanji's Troubles

Ok, I think you can figure out what chapter it is. You get a prize if you can tell who snored each snore.

"Mff."

"HRONK."

"Zzz."

"Whozumsnairnkle... meat... MEASHT! Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzmjwbdhwjkj..."

"WHAT THE BLOODY HELL ARE ALL YOU PEOPLE DOING IN MY KITCHEN?!"

"..." Several very sleepy people stared at Sanji, looking blearily around, trying to figure out why the number of people on the floor had multiplied. One very sleepy person grinned and said, "Slumber party!"

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..." Sanji finally cracked and screamed at the top of his luings, "SAY SOMETHING ALREADY!"

Everyone complied, in varied ways.

Usopp: "Um."

Zoro: "Something!"

Nami: "What's going on, exactly?"

Luffy: "It's a slumber party, like I SAID."

Sanji: "AHHH! WHY DO STUPID THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO ME LATELY?!"

No one had a good answer. Though Zoro tried.

"Maybe because you're stupid."

"AUGH! TODAY IS RIDICULOUS! GRRRRR!"

"Sanji, you're stressed out!"

"AUGH!"

"Luffy, I think he knows. Back away slowly and maybe- OW!" Sanji kicked Usopp out of the kitchen and yelled "AND NEVER EVER COME BACK!"

"..."

"Let's all leave. Very, very, slowly."

"...Good idea."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! GET OUT OF HERE! LEAVE ME ALONE!"

As I've mentioned, Sanji is not a morning person.

WHY did the people on the floor multiply? What was going on?

"GAAAAAAAAHHH. JUST GET OUT!" The crew hadn't moved.

"I SAID GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Sanji decided to stop being polite and attacked Luffy. "GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! GAAAAAAAAAAAA- OW HOLY CRAP THAT HURTS OH CRAP!"

"Zoro! You don't need to hit him that hard!"

"OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

"Ah! Sanji! I'm sorry! I... oh god!"

"Ow! OW. OWOWOW!"

"You idiot, Zoro!"

"I- oh no! Sanji! Stop screaming! I didn't mean to hurt you!"

"-censored- OW! OW!"

"Nami, what does that word mean?"

"...I'll tell you later, Luffy."

"Quit talking and tell me what to do! I THINK WE KILLED SANJI!"

"I AM NOT CRAPPING DEAD!"

"Um, ah, maybe, we should, get ice?"

"ICE. GET ICE. NOW! GET ME ICE! I need ice for Sanji!"

"Here!"

"Thanks Nami. Usopp! Get Luffy out of the kitchen!" Zoro did not wait to see if Luffy had left or not, or whether anything was actually working, and knelt down on the floor next to the writhing chef. "SANJI! HOLD STILL AND LET US SEE IF YOU'RE BRUISED!"

"-censored- -censored- -censored- -CENSORED-!!"

"Ah, shut up, or I'll hit you again!"

"..." Sanji was very, very quiet.

"Now. Take off your shirt, please, or I will be very, very, angry."

"But-"

"Shut up!"

"..." The blonde carefully pulled off his pajama shirt, glaring. Zoro held out one ice pack.

"Oh, thank you, Zo- AUGH!"

A new world record has been formed: First chef to be buried alive in ice packs!

"EEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! IT'S COLD!"

"Heh. Heh. Heh."

"Zoro, you enjoyed that, didn't you."

"Yes, Nami. I enjoyed that immensely. Heh. Heh. Heh!"

"EEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"

"Oh quit your bawling, Sanji! It isn't that cold!"

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaauaaaaaaaaaaaeeeeeeeeee!"

"Ok, I guess maybe it is that cold. Let me feel it- Holy crap! It IS cold! Ah, this is probably terrible for your health."

"EEeeeEEeeeeEsholkndjkwehshskalqiehjldd!!"

"Lemme get you outta there." Zoro grabbed Sanji's frigid hand and pulled the chef to his feet. There was a large bruise across his ribs and midsection, which was already blackening.

"C-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-cccccccc...!"

"Heh. Heh. Sorry, Sanji. I didn't mean to hurt you that badly."

"C-c-c-c-c-c-c!!" The blonde was shaking from side to side and would have fallen over if Zoro wasn't holding on to him.

"Oh. You're cold. Sorry. Ah... here. You come with me and Nami. We'll get you back in bed."

"C-c-c-c!!"

"..." Zoro gently hugged Sanji, wincing at the freezing body. "It's ok." Nami reluctantly wrapped an arm around the chef as well.

"C-c-c-cccccc...!"

"We know! Now shut up and let Zoro carry you. You'll probably be sick again..."

"..." Sanji decided that quiet would be prudent, and began seriously attacking the swordsman, feebly attempting to escape. It did not have any effect whatsoever.

"Stop that! I'm being nice. No need to hurt me." They finally reached the bedroom, and put Sanji down.

"Zoro?"

"Yes, Nami?"

"Is Sanji ever going to get better?"

"...It's rude to talk about people when they're right next to you, you know."

"Just tell me!"

"Fine. If we can figure out how to keep him on the ship, and keep him from killing himself by accident, and keep him from losing his mind from traumatic experiences, he just might recover."

"Oh. Can we help him?"

"Yeah. Help by staying out of his way."

"...Faugh. I'm leaving. You can get him into bed."

"mumble mumble growl hiss mumble..." Zoro said, as he shoved the chef into the bed.

"C-can I t-talk yet?"

"Sure. Why not?"

"B-b-bring a piece of p-paper."

"Here. Write on the back of this grocery list. I've got a pen in my pocket."

"I w-want you to write for me. Write this: I, Sanji the chef, will get better mentally and physically, and stop smoking."

"Ok. I, Sanji the chef, will get better... Wow. You want to put this in your diary?"

"I b-burned my diary with used cigarettes."

"Oh. Ok."

"L-let me sign it."

"Fine."

"You sign it too."

"Why?"

"To be official."

"That's weird of you. The pen's outta ink, so I'm going to sign in blood, ok?"

"That's even weirder of you, but I don't care. Just sign."

"Wait a second. My hand isn't bleeding enough- ah, there it goes. Ok. It's signed. Now what?"

"Now I make the contract come true."

END OF THIS CHAP!

AN: Sanji is finally taking action! HUZZAH!

REVIEWERS GET TO DUMP ICE ON ME.

Or on any character they want.

(dumps ice on Smoker)

Smoker: AUGH! WHY ME?!

Me: (shrugs) I dunno.

REEEEEEEEEVVVVVVVVVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!


	27. Ramen is good! :D Random title

SANJI'S CAPITAL LETTERED TROUBLES!

CHAPTER TWENTY SEVEN!

"I feel sick."

"I'm not suprised."

"I didn't ask if you were suprised."

"I don't care. Take your temperature yourself, ok? There's a thermometer in the bathroom." Zoro yawned and lay down on the floor.

"No, I mean, I don't need a thermometer to know. I'm really sick."

"You don't feel hot."

"I know. I don't think I have a fever. I just... feel... really, really bad." Sanji chewed on the top joint of his finger, tapping some imaginary ash off of the base.

"Like how?"

"Like, nauseous, dizzy, and tired."

"Allergies, maybe?"

"I don't know or care. I hate today. It's been stupid through and through." The chef looked like he would cry again.

"...Your finger is bleeding, Sanji."

"Agh! Not another one!"

"Here. Chew on this pen instead, that'll help, right?"

"Yes. Give me the pen." Sanji began to "smoke" the pen vigorously.

"This doesn't seem to be helping..."

"It's better than an actual ciggarette, you know."

"Yeah. I guess you're right."

"I am always right."

"Suuuuuuure. Hey, um, you did say you weren't feeling well, though. Do you want a drink or something? And I really am sorry about dumping ice on you."

"...Yeah, my throat hurts. I'd like juice. Fruit juice."

"I can't cook juice, and Zeff has publicly announced that he will never cook for us again."

"You don't need to cook juice, baka. You just pour it."

"Oh. Ok, then."

"..."

Zoro, who by now was standing at the door, looked back and asked, "What?"

"...Do you hate me?"

"Um." What was the right answer? Sometimes, Sanji asked to be hated, and other times, he almost seemed to be wanting friendship... the swordsman decided to be honest. "Sometimes I do. When you're being a hard-headed cuss of a crewmate. But other times, no, I don't hate you. I even sometimes very rarely feel like you're my friend."

"...Oh."

"Can I go get your juice now?" Did I say the right thing? Or did I get it all wrong again?

"I'm glad you don't hate me. And I don't need juice. I'm not that thirsty, anyway."

"Ok. Do you want me to leave?"

"...No. I want you to stay."

Zoro dragged a chair over to the bed and sat down. "Are you feeling, you know, alright? Or rather, like you aren't needing immediate medical attention?"

"Not really. But I feel good enough."

"Ok. Stop blathering and say already what you're thinking. I can tell that you want to say something."

"...Um. You're too perceptive."

"Yes, a lot of people have told me that. Now, can you hurry up and get to the point? Quit stalling!"

"Stalling?"

"Yes! Stalling!"

"So. You really think I'm stalling?"

"YES."

_"Stalling?!" _

"YES!"

"Really? _STALLING_?"

"YOU'RE DOING IT RIGHT NOW!"

"I'm _stalling_ right now?"

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"...Ok. Sorry. I want to ask... um... you know. The... scar. Does... does it make me look horrible?"

"What? Hell no! You look ridiculous whether the scar shows or not!"

"I mean seriously!"

"Alright, on a serious note. Um, I think you look fine. I like it, I mean, it's part of you. It's part of who you are. But... other people might not be very accepting."

"Ah. I... see." They could both just see everyone's reaction. Luffy would probably not even notice. Usopp wouldn't care, most likely. Nami, she would be suprised, but after a moment of shock, carefully avoid the subject. The crew was very accepting, yes, but normal people, who lived on islands and mainlands, would think of Sanji as a troublemaker, stupidly following idiotic predjuducies. But really, didn't they think of him as one anyway, him being a pirate and all? Zoro thought the whole thing was just ridiculous. It wasn't even a very noticable scar.

"Yup."

"Someday I'm going to walk outside with my hair back. And not be ashamed at all."

"A very worthy goal. By the way, that pen is leaking ink. Stop 'smoking' random objects so viciously!"

"Oh crap! I need something new to chew on."

"Here. Take this pencil."

"Thank you." Sanji began to knaw voraciously upon the pointy end.

"Wow."

"Yup."

"You remind me of a rat. You know, that book, I was a Rat, by Phillip Pullman, with the kid who keeps eating all the pencils?"

"What?"

"...Nevermind."

"Um. Ok." (gnaw gnaw nibble nibble gnaw)

"Sanji?"

"What?" (gnaw gnaw)

"I'm telling the truth when I say I think you look fine with a scar."

"I know. You aren't the type to lie about things to make me feel better." The chef blinked away sudden tears, and ventured, cautiously, "Sometimes I think the only person I can trust is you and... um... well, you."

"Well, no freaking duh. I love being brutally honest. And- hey, you can trust Luffy! He says what he's thinking all the time."

"Yes, but... he's Luffy. And what he's thinking isn't always useful."

"And what I say and think is?"

"Yeah." (gnaw nibble nibble)

"That's... cool. I guess. Um."

"Mm-hm." (gnaw nibble gnaw gnaw nibble nibble SNAP!) "Oh crap! Can you get me a new pencil?"

"Why don't I get you our present? You can chew that instead."

"Um, ok...?"

"I'll be right back with Luffy and everyone."

Zoro dashed out of the room, leaving Sanji nibbling his thumbs.

--One of the lines.--

"Happy birthday to you!"

"CHA CHA CHA!"

"Happy birthday toooooo youuuuuuu!"

"CHAAAAAAA CHAAAAAAAA CHAAAAAAAA!"

"Haaaaaaaappppyyyyyy biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirrrrttttttttttthhhhhdaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyy deeeeeeeeear Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanjiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii! Haaaaaaaappy biiiiiiiirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrthhhhhhhhhhhdaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy to youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!"

"CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA- gack! C-can't breathe!"

"Luffy! We told you not to sing such long notes!"

"-cough- sorry!"

"What in hell's name was that?" Sanji finally asked. "And it isn't my birthday, anyway."

"It's a... song? Sung terribly? And we're choosing a random day for you." Zoro grinned crookedly, holding out a misshapen cupcake. "And we baked the cakes ourself."

"Oh. Um. Thank you."

"Open your present!"

"Fine." Ho-hum, dingy Christmas wrapping paper, what's in the box? Oh crap I've got a paper cut. OH HOLY CRAP ARE THOSE CIGARETTES?! (drool) No, wait.

"Gaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!"

"Don't you like our present?" Luffy asked, confused.

"...I love it. It's excellent. Thank you, Luffy. Why don't you go play? You're all dismissed." GAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH. Sanji wondered if his face was red. Gah. GAH. THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

The group of people left, except Zoro, who laughed as soon as the door closed. "You are just too funny, Sanji."

"How?! Is this supposed to torment me?!" GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

"No, it's supposed to be something you can chew on without harming yourself and others."

"Oh. Wow. I think I see why this isn't actually an evil plot to torment me. But still."

"Come on. You don't want to be whiney. Quit chewing on your hand and take one."

"Fine. I guess that at least it won't bleed when I bite too hard. Ummm. Orange flavored. You have one too."

"Ok. Mmm. Strawberrry-banana."

"Really? They must be all different flavors, then. That's... nice." The blonde tapped powdered sugar off the end, if not in grattitude, then in acceptance. Gah.

"Wow. This is really good!"

"Stop faking enthusiasticness!"

"I'm not! It really is good. And you mean ENTHUSIASM, not enthusiasticness."

"Ok. I see. Gah."

"Are you mentally stable, right now?"

"No. I think I'm about to break into manic laughter. And then have a huge screaming tantrum."

"Oh. I'm sorry to hear that." Zoro sighed, and wiped his eyes.

"You crying?"

"Of course not."

"Ok. I understand."

"Good."

"What I said. About being able to trust you to tell the truth. It's useful. And true."

"Oh. Thanks."

"Zoro?"

"What do you want now?"

Hm. What did he want? A friend? A hug? A drink? Well, yes, but damn if he was going to say any of that. "This is weird. We've always fought before."

"Yes, we have. Or rather, you have. I've defended myself."

"Ah. Same thing. Anyway. I want to try and start over. Ok?"

"What?!"

"You know, try and quit attempting to kill one another every two seconds?"

"Yes, I know, but why?"

"Because... Zoro, it's hard being lonely. I need a friend. Someone who actually understands me. And I can trust."

"Oh. That makes no sense whatsoever. But yeah. I think I know what you mean."

"Really?"

"Actually, you lost me. But I agree. With what I understood, anyway. Which is that you're too pathetic to do anything and you need a friend to do it."

"Yes that's exactl- Wait, what?!"

"Nah. Just messing with your head. Fine. I'll be your friend if you let me take your temperature and then you take a nap."

"...I'm tempted to say, NO WAY, bastard, but whatever. I'm tired anyway. Temperature away."

"Ok... you're 99 degrees, just a little over normal. It's most likely just a slight cold this time."

"Well, that's better than the time I kept barfing."

"Yes. Much better. Now, go to sleep. Or at least lie down and pretend to sleep, for the sake of my sanity."

Sanji shut both eyes and lay down, head upon the pillow.

"Good little chef. And please, please, don't wake up for a while."

"Mff."

"Stop trying to talk. You're too tired."

"Mm-mmf! MMMMF."

"You idiot. Now I have to use reverse phsycology. Sanji! Talk to me!"

"..." For a minute the blonde was quiet, then yelled, "You tricked me!"

"Actually, that was a joke. I didn't think you would fall for it."

"...Ah. Oh. Um. I knew that!"

"Of course you did. Humor me and go to sleep."

"Ok. FINE. It's your fault... any...way..."

"Everything is my fault. Good... um, day."

"G' night."

"...Yeah. Good night."

Zoro sighed and walked out of the room, carefully closing the door behind him. Gah. That had to be the most ridiculous conversation he had had in his life. EVER.

Poor Sanji. The kid didn't even know what he was talking about himself, probably. The chef wasn't losing it, of course.

He lost it a really long time ago.

Heck, Zoro was going to be joining him soon.

But even if they probably didn't even qualify as human anymore, he was going to keep on trying.

END.

AN: Just three more chapters until the end. But of course the story isn't really over then. And I don't mean that it will "continue in our hearts" or some such crap. Anyone with this in their heart needs to get a life! :S Yeah I'm grumpy right now.

Zoro: What the hell are you talking about, woman?!

Sanji: ...What the HELL are you talking about, lovely?

Zoro: COPYCAT!

Me: The sequel.

Everyone: O.O (Stunned silence.)

Me: Oops. I wasn't supposed to say that. Sorry. You can forget about this AN right now, if you like. :D

Review!


	28. In which Luffy goes on a hug rampage!

sanji's lowercased troubles!

chapter twenty the eighth.

"..."

"..."

"..."

"...Why aren't we talking?"

"Because... I don't know."

"Well, why are we outside, sitting on top of a railing that might break at any minute, and not talking? Luffy, if you drag people outside like this, there has to be a good reason!"

"Huh? Oh. Sorry, Nami. I was thinking."

"Yeah right. I bet you've never had a thought in your life." Nami wasn't thinking about what she was saying, just absentmindedly mumbling replies.

"Nami?"

"Yeah?"

"Um... Nami... I... Is Sanji dying?"

"WHAT? Not that I'm aware of!"

"Please tell me the truth! I know I act kiddish and stuff but I'm old enough to know, really!" Luffy sniffed pathetically, and curled up in a ball.

"Oh, Luffy... I'm sorry. We haven't really been explaining anything to you. It's... been hard. But let me tell you, Sanji is NOT dying. Just... um... sick."

"Like how?"

"Well, when you smoke for a long time, your body gets in the habit, right? And with smoking, there's chemicals that really get you in the habit, so when you try to stop, you get sick. You see?"

"Oh. But I think you should be able to get out of the habit pretty easy. Just puffing on a stick on fire, hmm?"

"No, remember the chemicals? See, they make your... um... blood and brain be in the habit, and it's very very hard to stop."

"I think I get it... thank you, Nami."

"Um, you're welcome! So, you see, it isn't going to get better overnight. Sanji needs lots of love and attention right now, don't get mad at him. Just do your best to be friendly."

"Ok! Um, and, I know I'm like, immature, but... I wanna know if Sanji gets sick. Ok? I mean sicker. You know. Don't hide things from me, ok?"

"Yes. I won't. Is that all you need, Captain?"

"Yeah... but can I have a hug?"

"Why?"

"Because I like being hugged."

"Well, I guess so. But seriously, if you ever need a hug again, go find Zoro. He likes you better than I do of course isn't that obvious mumble grumble moan groan..."

The red head gently squeezed Luffy in one thin arm and sighed. Of course he randomly hugged back, being deathly cheerful. Nami felt a sudden protective instinct, and whispered quietly, "I really am sorry about how we've been keeping you out of things."

"I know. I forgive you, of course." Luffy's voice wobbled and he seemed dangerously close to tears.

"Thanks. Now be quiet a little while. Look out at the clouds, enjoy the weather, just have some down time."

"Ok. Thank you too, Nami." Luffy hugged her tightly for a moment, then let go before the pressure would become uncomfortable. That's Luffy... Nami thought as she walked slowly away from the deck where Luffy now sat in a rare moment of relaxation. Always thinking of his Nakama. She vowed never to make her captain feel excluded again. The navigator was violently roused from her pensive thoughts by crashing into a wall of annoyed flesh.

"Oi! You just walked right into a person, you know! Apologize!"

"Oh- sorry! I didn't mean- oh it's only you, Zoro."

"And what's that supposed to mean? I bet you thought it was ero-chef."

"No, I thought you were... I don't know. I was confused."

"Heck, I'm confused too. Sanji is confusing. He's sick again."

"Well. No matter how confusing he is, you have to be nice to him. You can't imagine how hard it is for him!"

"Idiot. Leave me alone. The chef's asleep, you're a freak, tell me what's new."

"You're the idiot. Go see if Luffy's ok."

"What did you do to him now?"

"He told me how worried he was about being left out of all the news about Sanji. I explained carefully, but I don't know. Luffy seems pretty shaken up about something."

"Oh god! When the crew's life shatters, how come everyone asks me to pick up the pieces?!"

"You're a poet. You don't know how to pour juice but you're a poet. Now I've seen everything." Nami shook her head and wandered off down the hall, humming.

"What the bloody hell is her problem?" Zoro asked the walls before heading outside.

"Yo! Luffy! You ok?"

"What? Oh, yeah. I'm fine."

"You sure about that?"

"Yes!"

"Ok. Nami just said you looked kind of upset. Sorry I bothered you."

"It's ok. Anyway, did you see Sanji? Is he better? Did he get the chemickanackals out of his hair?"

"What?? I have no idea what you're talking ab- oh. Luffy, that takes a long time. But yes, he is a little better."

"GOOD. Hey Zoro?"

"Yes? Whaddya want now?"

"Do you love me?"

"What the bloody hell?!" Zoro blushed furiously.

"I mean like a Nakama!" Luffy blushed as well.

"Oh. Ok, then. Why don't you say to people next time, 'Do you love me as a friend?' or 'I really like you. Do you like me?' instead."

"Oh... I get it! But you didn't answer my question." Luffy pouted.

"Well, you're my captain, and yes, I do um, love you in the Nakama way. But seriously, learn to ask questions in less disturbing ways."

"I will! I'll become the BESTEST question asker in the world! Once I become pirate king, of course."

"...Good. That's real good. So are you ok now?"

"Yup! I'm happy! Can I have a hug?"

"What is your problem, Luffy? Sure. Whatever. I'll give you a hug."

Luffy didn't answer the question, he just curled up and hugged Zoro. "Thank you, marimo-head!"

"...What? You're going to call me that too now?"

"Yeah! Every time I call you that, chemickanackals fall off of Sanji's hair, and he gets a teensy-weensy bit better. I'm sure of it!"

"Wow. If you want to believe that, you can."

"I will. I'll make Sanji better! Everything will be ok!"

"Sure it will. Just keep being... um, positive. And go visit Sanji as soon as he wakes up."

"I WILL!"

"Shh! Keep it down!"

"(extremely loud whisper) I WILL!"

"Good. Good boy." Zoro patted Luffy's head and went to go take a much needed nap.

"I'm a good boy..." Luffy whispered to himself. "I'd better go wake up Sanji."

--Liney liney liney line!--

"Oh, Nami, thank you so much! I love it when you dress in a bikini and bring me presents!"

"Of course, Sanji! You deserve more than a bikini- or shall I say, less?" The red head giggled flirtatiously, adjusting her playboy-bunny ears and handed him a box. He tore it open and held the most beautiful, whitest, smoothest ciggarettes of the bestest quality. "AH NAMI! THANK YOU!"

But wait. I swore- I swore that I would quit. And Zoro signed in blood. Nami knows that, too. So... what's going on?

"Nami, I love you and your present, but I can't. I promised."

"Oh, don't be silly!"

"Um, what's gotten into you?!"

"Nothing, dear."

"I can't! I told Zoro and Luffy and Usopp and you, and even Zeff! So I c-can't!"

"WAKE UP, SANJI!!"

"Huh? No, Nami, I won't. I can't. I PROMISED."

Nami, rather than reply, transformed into a giant ciggarette in a bikini.

"AUGH! I... SWORE! I will not snoke you, besides, you aren't even Nami!"

"WAKE UP!"

"What?"

"You're dreaming!"

The chef opened his eyes and tried to sit up, only to find that the rubber-boy was sitting on him. "Ohmigod. I had a really lousy dream. It started out good though... Nami... in a bikini... and playboy-bunny ears... but then it got bad, really really bad. Thank you so much. THANK YOU, LUFFY!" Sanji hugged his captain tightly, laughing.

Luffy was, needless to say, confused, but he had gotten a hug, so, what matters?

"Hey Sanji, do you love me? I mean, um, er, yeah, you know..." Dang it! He said the question wrong again!

"P-p-p-ppppppp!" The blonde was speechless.

"I MEANT in the Nakama way! I just keep saying things wrong! Sorry!"

"Oh... yeah, sure. In the FRIEND way. Now, in the loooooooooove way, I know who _I_ want!" He giggled.

"I'm... confused..."

"That's fine."

"Do the chemikanackanals in you hurt?"

"What??"

"You know. The ones that come out of ciggarettes."

"Those? No, they don't hurt. They just make you feel sick and want to smoke."

"I'm glad you don't hurt. You seemed really... I don't know, upset in that dream. I have bad dreams too, where I'm a kid and not strong and Higuma comes back to life and hurts you and everyone and I can't help and then he gets me and I wake up right before he stabs me in the neck!"

"Who's Higuma, again?"

"The bandit who got me when I was little."

"Oh yeah."

"Anyway, I was sad today because I dreamed that he got you. And I was too little to do anything! And Ace came to save me, but then he wasn't strong enough and I tried to help but you both just... died and it was my fault, too..." A tear ran down Luffy's face and dripped off his nose.

"I'm very sorry, Luffy. I know how it feels to be helpless." The chef put both arms around his captain and said quietly, "Are you sleepy?"

"Yeah. But if I sleep I'll have nightmares!"

"You won't have them. You can sleep here. I'll protect you from everything. Everything bad that could happen. You'll be safe."

"Really?"

"Yes. I won't let anything hurt you."

"Ok, then." The boy yawned and got under the covers, taking care not to squish the chef so badly as before. After just a few minutes he started to snore lightly. Sanji lay awake, staring at the ceiling and petting Luffy's hair very lightly.

"I'll protect you, Luffy..." He whispered to the sleeping captain. "I swear. I won't let anyone hurt you."

"I'll always keep you safe." The blonde closed his eyes. He patted Luffy's shoulder gently before joining his captain in a deep, dreamless sleep.

END.

AN: Gah. You people have convinced me to write Zoro with an R. :P

I like Luffy's character. I haven't written it much in this story, have I...

Sanji: Phshaw, like I would ever protect Luffy.

Luffy: Yay! I like this chapter! I get lots of hugs!

Zoro: No... freaking... comment.

Me: I think that this won't actually end in three chapters. I need more! And the SEQUEL is still hypothetical.

Review, and get Usopp. Wearing very very expensive Victoria's Secret lingerie!

Usopp: Eek! DON'T REVIEW!

Me: Shut up! Review! :D I love you all, review peoples! Hugs and kisses and butts to all who I love! (rambles on)

Ok, sorry.

Remember, Usopp in lingerie. Just click that little button.


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